May 13 2012

YellowBrickRoad (2010)

And after a one-year hiatus, we’re back, hopefully for quite a while this time.

A really good premise is both a blessing and a curse.  On the plus side, it can hook viewers and keep them interested through even the worst acting and the most turbulent suspension of disbelief.  Negatively, and maybe outweighing all those benefits, it makes a really tough act to follow.  The better the hook, the worse whatever’s at the end of the line might be, and so understandably there are tricks of the writers’ trade to get around the problem.  Probably the most hackneyed and notorious of these are the “It was all a dream” or “Everyone’s in Purgatory or whatever” endings.  Of course, there’s another way, but we’ll get to it…

I’ll give the filmmakers this:  YellowBrickRoad has one hell of a hook.  We open with “footage” of an unexplained event where most of the citizens of a tiny New Hampshire town, Friar, walked along a trail heading deep into the woods, not carrying clothes, money, and food but seemingly random items like gramophones and records.  In the end many of them disappeared, but some were found dead, either from the freezing winter or from violent suicides and murders.  The sole survivor had, naturally, gone insane.  The incident remained half-remembered and covered up by locals and authorities, until two married academics, Teddy (Michael Laurino) and Melissa (Anessa Ramsey),  decide to lead an expedition to at least discover the trail and write a book on their experiences.  With the help of a local bored of life in Friar, Erin (Cassidey Freeman), they do find the trail and against their best judgment decide to explore what the locals call the “Yellow Brick Road”…

You’re probably thinking what I was thinking when I watching it;  the odds are pretty much against there being a good payoff.   Actually, there were a few things that kept my interest regardless.  One, the movie for the most part avoided that plague of contemporary horror films – the asshole character – and had characters that, while not all that memorable, seemed like people one could be around without feeling the urge to enact a slasher film-style massacre.  There was an exception, and his character was obnoxious and out-of-place enough he seemed like a refugee from an Eli Roth movie dropped into something at least resembling the real world, but at least the other characters reacted to him realistically.

Second, it actually had the trademarks of a really good – even, dare I say it, great – horror movie here and there.  Now there are a couple of cheap scares and a cliched gore shot, but overall the filmmakers knew how to build atmosphere at a reasonable pace, which was all the more impressive considering that this was the directors’ freshman effort at horror.  The inevitable intrusion of the weird into a routine nature expedition – beginning with characters showing the occasional odd quirk, and then escalating to everyone hearing loud 1940s’ music being played in the distance – is handled deftly.   When one of the expedition is finally driven to violence for the first time, it is a genuinely brutal and unnerving scene, and not simply an excuse for gore.

I should also mention that, yes, the filmmakers play up the Wizard of Oz allegory.  Sometimes it feels completely forced;  the idea that the people of Friar saw the “Yellow Brick Road” as an escape route from a bland, dead-end life to a “wizard” at the end of the road isn’t a bad one by any stretch, but the dialogue signals at it with flares and a red flag.  However, sometimes it’s much more subtle, and one of the pleasures the movie offers is picking up on the more subtle references.

As you might have guessed, though, the real problem is what’s at the end of the road.  I won’t spoil it, although I will commend the filmmakers for not pulling a Shyamalan with a sub-standard Twilight Zone twist.  Also I should admit that there is a real danger that I just didn’t “get it” (the fact that Google automatically suggested “yellowbrickroad ending” as a search term when I was doing research for the movie didn’t bode well).  Still, the ending felt like it was aiming more for disturbing than for being a satisfying follow-up to any hints.  Not to say that a confusing ending is always a bad thing – like any good film snob I love Mulholland Drive, including its intense and surreal ending – but the ending of YellowBrickRoad didn’t leave me wondering and tempted to rewatch, just ready to move on.

 


Oct 31 2011

Five Movies I Like (That No One Else Does)

Apologies for being so long to update, but in the past month or so real life has been intervening in a big way. Real life is still throwing its weight around, but in the meantime I thought I’d throw out one of those lists the denizens of the Internet love so much.

A list like this is kind of meaningless, since in the days of the Internet you can find a following – even if it is just an ironic following – for almost any movie. But I’m always interested in how “taste” works, and the reasons why I myself go against the conventional wisdom on certain works. These movies definitely aren’t without fans and I don’t think any of them will be that controversial (certainly not as much as if I came out in favor of, say, Rob Zombie’s Halloween remakes), but they are movies that, at one time or another, I felt like I had to apologize just for liking.

The Cable Guy

I should start with The Cable Guy because it is, paradoxically, everyone’s favorite movie that no one else likes. Maybe it would have been received at least a little bit better if it came out after Jim Carrey’s typecasting success faded a little, maybe not. It has its flaws: there are hints throughout the movie that at some point in the production process the film was defanged to a large degree, Matthew Broderick really is the Steve Guttenberg of the ’90s, and it really wants to be a black comedy along the lines of War of the Roses but never quite gets there (partially because the infamous “Carreyisms” are still there). For all that, the whole premise is a fantastic take on the whole Fatal Attraction genre, and has clever ideas like Carrey having an army of loyal cable customers at his disposal to enact his jealous revenge on Broderick or the trial with the former child stars. I wouldn’t quite call it a lost classic, but it is one of the more original and clever comedies to have come out of Hollywood in recent decades.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhtIydTmOVU&w=420&h=315]

Predator 2

While for most of the films on this list I can understand why they’re not darlings with the critics or audiences, I honestly don’t know why this one gets forgotten at best or blamed for almost killing a franchise at worst. The premise – setting a Predator loose in a violent urban environment – is a natural and logical progression, it builds on the Predators’ culture without taking away the mystery of the monsters, and, hey, it’s got Danny Glover and Garey Busey. Okay, it’s also got a Jamaican drug lord/voodoo priest named “King Willie”, which really is a stereotype trifecta, but, to be honest…I kind of like this movie better than the original. Forgive me for my heresy!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLe_1SheJms&w=560&h=315]

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

I’m behind the curve on this one, since Halloween III in recent years has gotten a reputation for being an unfairly unappreciated film just because it didn’t have Michael Myers in it, but I swear I had this opinion before the Internet told me it was okay to have it. This movie’s just hardcore in a way few horror films dare to be; not only is the plot about a cult-run corporation that’s selling boobytrapped Halloween masks to children that will subject them to a horrific death, but the bad guys win. Also Daniel O’Herlihy as Conal Cochran is one of the great villains of horror history, just for his “villainous motive” speech. This is probably the only movie out of this list that I’d say I love. At the least, I wish I could visit the world where this movie was a success and the original idea of turning the <b>Halloween</b> series into an anthology series was carried through. The existence of <b>Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers</b> alone proves that in this case we are not in the best of all possible worlds.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmGUKl-gkIE&w=420&h=315]

Atlantis: The Lost Empire

A Disney film that wasn’t a romantic musical based on folklore or literature? That’s awesome, but, well, that’s probably why nobody liked it. I shouldn’t say “nobody,” but this movie doesn’t even really seem to have much of a cult following, which is a shame, because the film’s designs are based on the style of Mike “Hellboy” Mignola (oh, and it has Jim Varney’s last performance). Now I concede that the story especially in the second half was weak and it would have been a much stronger movie if the Powers That Be at Disney had the guts to go all the way in trying to go a new direction and made a more adult action adventure film, but the writers put in some fantastic worldbuilding (a quality that’s sadly lacking in so many similar films) and the animation was the perfect compliment to that.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DeOo19iAJ1E&w=420&h=315]

Nothing But Trouble

I swear I have never seen anyone defend this movie, nor have I seen it get anything but one-star reviews. Also I sort of grew up with this movie (I have no idea why, but the local FOX affiliate showed it all the time on weekends) and I am always nostalgic for the comedic stars of the late ’80s/early ’90s like John Candy and Dan Aykroyd, so I’m definitely biased in this movie’s favor. Honestly, though, you cannot imagine a movie like this getting made today. Hell, even in the less uptight and more risk-taking Hollywood of the past, it seems like a fluke that this got made, and it probably wouldn’t have if Dan Aykroyd wasn’t behind it. It’s just so over-the-top and bizarre yet so full of the big names of the day (not just Aykroyd and Candy but also Chevy Chase and Demi Moore) I can’t help but appreciate it. Come on, yuppies being a man-eating roller coaster deathtrap, Dan Aykroyd as an ancient judge who rules like a tyrant over a decaying town, an ending with Chevy Chase basically turning into a Loony Tunes character…what’s not to love? If you did watch it and were not impressed at all, just try to think of it as a really clever remake of Two Thousand Maniacs!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enUo-1TjdEs&w=420&h=315]


Jul 28 2011

Dr. Terror’s House of Horrors (1965)

Anyone who has followed my reviews here knows I have a soft spot for horror anthologies, and one of my complaints about the contemporary film industry is that it’s not a format that’s really been revived except among microbudget filmmakers.  (Given the lack of success behind more recent anthology projects like Trapped Ashes, that’s unlikely to change anytime soon).  Luckily, quite a lot of anthology films were released in the ’60s and ’70s, enough that watching them is a lifetime project.  One which I admit I didn’t know existed until recently is today’s review, Dr. Terror’s House of Horrors. Released by Amicus Studios, the movie never became as well known as the later The House That Dripped Blood, despite also featuring a collaboration between Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee.  There’s a good and simple reason for that;  the stories just don’t hold up.

Five strangers share a train car with a man shuffling a Tarot deck.  The man introduces himself as Dr. Schreck or Dr. “Terror” (Peter Cushing) and claims that his deck, which he calls his “house of horrors” (just go with it), can predict supernatural events that will happen in a person’s future.  One by one, he tells each person in the train car their fate (if you’ve seen old horror anthology films before, you probably know exactly where the wraparound story is going, but keep it to yourself).  In the first tale, an architect, Jim (Neil McCallum), is hired by a young wealthy widow to design some additions to her isolated island mansion. In the walls of the cellar, he finds the coffin of Cosmo Valemar (no, really), who two hundred years ago claimed to be the rightful owner of the house and vowed to return and take revenge on the current owner. The body was never found, but Jim notices that the plaster around the corpse was newly laid.  Dr. Terror’s second “patient” Hopkins (Bernard Lee) learns that a simple yard chore will lead to him facing off against a quirk of evolution.  The third story follows a musician (Roy Castle) who invokes a Caribbean god’s wrath by using one of his cult’s sacred songs in his act.  Next we have Franklyn (Christopher Lee), a snobby art critic who is tricked by a wronged artist Eric (Michael Gough!) into praising the art of a chimpanzee (of course, in today’s art world this would not be considered a misstep).  Their feud escalates into violence – and supernatural revenge.  Finally, Dr. Carroll (Donald Sutherland!) is caught up in a traditional vampire story, but the vampire in question might be closer to home than he first suspects…

The problem with anthologies is that, since there isn’t much time for building up characters, settings, or even suspense, the hook and the twist are all-important.  Unfortunately, this is a lesson that seems to have been lost on the writers.  The third segment, by far the weakest of the bunch, is so simplistic and predictable it makes the typical EC Comics horror yarn look sophisticated by comparison.  It even required being dragged out by a couple of musical numbers;  otherwise the plot could play out in seconds.

The second suffers a similar problem.  It has a fresher premise – a random genetic mutation turns a typical ivy into a killer plant – but it takes it about as seriously as you’d expect a ’60s British horror movie to do it.  As for the ending, they might as well have had Peter Cushing talk directly to the audience and say, “Well, we went as far with that one as we could.”

The other segments are somewhat more satisfying.  The first develops something of a Lovecraft vibe, although it largely fails to cultivate it, instead turning in the last minute into a fairly typical yet somewhat nonsensical take on werewolves.  As for the third, most of its strength just comes from Christopher Lee playing an uptight, elitist art critic posed against Michael Gough, but a pairing like that does a lot to make up for a story that starts out strong but eventually fizzles out.  The fifth, and the best, segment is the only one to offer an anthology-style twist.  It’s actually a pretty clever one that plays up quite well on the story’s heavy Dracula-esque tropes, but it is presented with a heavy dose of cheese.  Whether or not that’s a flaw is up to you.

Taken altogether, this whole anthology is a pretty solid C+.  It’s not a film to go out of your way to see, and (like so many mediocre British horror movies from the Amicus and Hammer stables), it does owe pretty much everything to the presence of Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing.  Still, it’s worth watching if you come across if, if only so you can say you saw a film titled Dr. Terror’s House of Horrors.


May 28 2011

Pocahauntus (2006)

As of this writing, I’m still debating whether or not Pocahauntus tops Strip Nude for Your Killer in the rankings of “Awful Movies With Deceptively Awesome Titles.”

The warnings that this is a truly terrible movie are all there: the introduction with the narrator who apparently didn’t know if he was going for camp or gravitas with the (original) Playstation graphics, and the fact that the DVD cover is adorned with the actors’  headshots. Still, the opening narration does kind of offer a glimmer of hope, if only because it offers a fantastically skewed take on Pocahontas’ biography that concludes with Pocahontas vowing, “All will die,” on her deathbed. Now that’s one distortion of history I can get behind.

The premise, which is established faster than the implications of the actors’ sedated struggles with sub-college creative writing class dialogue, is simple. In a Virginia resort town, the spirit of Pocahontas returns every century to kill the descendants of the Jamestown settlers. When the film starts, our victims-to-be are brought to Virginia by a contest rewarding them with a free camping weekend. If you’re guessing that the mystery of who arranged the “contest”, which would normally set up a plot twist in any halfway decent horror movie, gets at least a half-assed explanation, then you’re actually giving Pocahauntus too much credit.

Our corpses-to-be, though, are what really kills any hope that at least there might be some unintentional entertainment here. The characters seem to be custom-made to make one appreciate the sublime comedic sophistication of Student Bodies. We have a hippie lesbian, a pothead beach bum, an alcoholic, and…several other pretty interchangeable characters whose one and only characteristic is that they really, really like sex. It’s like they had the blueprints of a slasher parody here, but they forgot to put in any real jokes except the allegedly hilarious casual nymphomania of all the protagonists (unless things like giving a character who is a gynecologist the name “Dr. Anigav” count as jokes) . As for “Pocahauntus” herself…well, she’s played completely straight, which is kind of a problem when your movie’s about the murderous spirit of Pocahontas killing Jamestown descendants.

There’s the expected crappy special effects, which are bad enough even by the standards of the film’s $10,000 budget. Even the quality of the sound is inconsistent throughout the movie, sometimes even in the same scene. Beyond that, it doesn’t even seem like they budgeted for a second draft of the script or for any editing. Characters just disappear for about one-fourth of the running time and abruptly reappear. Plot points, like a prophetic dream by one character and one of the victims disguising herself, surface only to vanish without consequence. And if you thought the famous scene from Space Mutiny where a character that was recently killed reappears in the background of one scene exposed some shoddy filmmaking, Pocahauntus beats Space Mutiny by having a scene where a character is killed, shows up fine later, and is then killed exactly the same way again. At first I actually thought it was a plot point!

The worst part, though, is that it’s a waste of such a great, campy title. I wonder if it’s possible for an enterprising filmmaker to sue for the right to do a remake on those grounds alone?


May 12 2011

Student Bodies (1981)

Student Bodies is an odd little footnote in the history of the slasher film. It was one of a couple of Airplane!-style spoofs about the genre to come out, but despite the fact that ’80s slasher flicks seemed tailor-made for a good spoof it failed to become memorable, except maybe for flashing a body count on screen for every murder scene which everyone who saw it play on “USA Up All-Night” seems to remember. The fact that its producer is “Allen Smithee,” the pseudonym for many a disgruntled Hollywood director, is a pretty good indicator that the film came out of the gate wheezing. And in fact Student Bodies really isn’t good by most standards, either because it simply doesn’t work as a spoof of slasher films or its selected target is just a bit too obvious. Compared to the straight-laced and perfectly serious type of film that Airplane! was mocking, it does seem like it’s pointless to try to poke fun at a genre that was already nudging at the audience with a sledgehammer from almost the beginning.

At least Student Bodies does know its subject. For instance, the film’s protagonist, high school student Toby (Kristen Riter), happens to be a militant virgin who is never seen without a “NO!” button. Unfortunately, in one of the film’s few subtle touches, her immunity is also what makes her the prime suspect as a growing number of teenage girls and their boyfriends are murdered right on the brink of intercourse by a killer known only as “the Breather.” Of course, just about everyone else at Toby’s school is also a suspect: Toby’s sexually frustrated boyfriend Hardy (Matt Goldsby), the school principal Peters who also happens to be heading the investigation of the killings (Joe Talarowski), the Neo-Nazi shop teacher obsessed with horse head bookends Mr. Dumpkins (Joe Food), the elderly Ms. Mumsley (Mimi Weddell), the penis-hating biology teacher Ms. Van Dyke (subtle!) (Peggy Cooper), or the severely impaired janitor bullied by all the teachers Melvert (“The Stick”). Don’t get too invested in the mystery, though; the filmmakers weren’t either.

To be fair, it’s clear that Student Bodies was never meant to operate simultaneously as a parody and as a straightforward slasher like its far more successful sort-of spiritual descendant Scream. Still, even for a spoof the plot is a jumble that either loads up on the padding or rushes blindly from one scene to the next. The film seems to think it’s compensating by offering up a collection of memorable, funny characters, but…well, the fact that a casual glimpse at the IMDB reveals that very few of the actors involved had more than two feature film roles, if that, shows how well that aspect of the film turned out. I’ll admit that many of the scenes with Mr. Dumpkins and his cult-like veneration of horse head bookends are pretty funny, if only because Mr. Dumpkins is a prophetic vision of Glenn Beck, and Joe Talarowski pulls off a good if a little vague and unanchored portrayal of a sleazy principal. However, Student Bodies falls prey to the plague that has affected so many spoofs: the absence of any Rex Kramers or Barry Rumacks. What made Airplane! so brilliant was that it delivered its sharpest jokes through characters that wouldn’t be out of place in the very film it was mocking. Here, as they say, everyone’s a comedian, and there’s never the sense that you’re seeing a slasher film character rather than a slasher spoof character. The closest the film gets to offering its own Rex Kramer is in the character Ms. Van Dyke, who is given a deadpan if more than slightly self-conscious performance by Peggy Cooper, but she just isn’t given enough screentime to be anything more than the source for a few throwaway gags.

Of course, the real question, and the one that’s impossible to answer no matter what movie critics say, is: is it at least funny? Well, there are the mandatory juvenile gags that all bad spoofs (and a few good ones) must draw upon (most memorably a dog meows, lifts its leg, and lets out a fart), but there are signs that there might have been a stronger slasher spoof there before whatever changes were made that so aggravated Mr. Smithee. The opening scene with a babysitter who unconsciously predicts her fate is a good set-up (“I have a feeling this will be the last time I’ll have to babysit!”), spoiled just by the occasional misfired joke and the film’s in-your-face product placement for Dunkin Doughnuts and KFC, which I hope (but don’t think) was a deliberate joke. There’s also a nice running gag where all the victims try to have sex in the worst possible situations and places with the boyfriends always trying to justify the poor timing (“Funerals make me hot!”). But under all the jabs at slasher films’ anti-sex messages, there’s never really a sense that there’s more than a superficial parodying of slashers at work. This becomes all too clear in the last thirty minutes, which plays like the filmmakers just throwing in a bunch of movie references and random “plot” twists in lieu of an actual ending.

Nonetheless, Student Bodies is downright hilarious and dead-on compared to anything Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg have put their names to, so there’s that.


Apr 4 2011

Lady Jane (1986)

Although it lucked upon getting two leads who would later achieve considerable success, Helena Botham Carter and Cary Elwes, along with the ever talented and prolific Patrick Stewart, Lady Jane just isn’t that good a film. Even by the standards of historical drama, which tends to be an aggressively unambitious and trope-loving genre (and I’m putting it generously), it’s an extremely average and predictable outing. Let me take a minute to run down the list: a female protagonist who is subjected to horrific abuse by her family, husband, and/or authority figures (check), characters spouting modern liberal ideas about social justice and equality that are pretty out of place for their time and place (check), and a prim individual embedded in their culture breaking out of the mold as a result of exposure to a “free spirit” (check!). To be fair, the filmmakers did have a challenge ahead of them. Queen Jane, known to historians as “the Nine-Day Queen,” was paradoxically made noticeable by the same circumstances that made her, historically speaking, completely insignificant. Anyone telling her story has to navigate around the fact that her entire appearance in the history of England was a false start, equivalent to the founding of the Republic of West Florida or Napoleon’s One Hundred Days. In other words, the record of having the shortest reign in English history doesn’t lend itself to much more than a colorful anecdote or two.

Despite all that, I can see why someone along the line thought she might be a good model for fiction. She really did have an appalling childhood, even in an age when “don’t hit them” was a radical approach to child upbringing, and a cruel, domineering mother. Also she became embroiled in what is undoubtedly one of the most “stranger than fiction” family histories of all time, that of the Tudor dynasty. In fact, the film is very faithful to her story, in a way. It gets the big points and even many events right, even if it makes up everything between those points, like making an unlikely love story out of the political marriage of Jane and her husband, Guilford Dudley. All said, it is one of the more historically faithful films I’ve reviewed. Unfortunately, it also goes against the message I’m trying to convey with these reviews, that history rarely if ever needs to be embroidered, by not being a terribly memorable movie.

So, what’s going on with this dynastic soap opera?

Although it is clumsy in doing so, the film does a good job, more or less, of conveying the basics. Still, I might as well sum up the soap opera that is the history of the Tudor dynasty for you all. So, Edward VI was the son that Henry VIII divorced and degraded one woman and killed another to get. Unfortunately, no one quite knew what to do if Edward VI died before he had children of his own, since, thanks to his father’s very complicated marital history, both of his only surviving siblings, Mary and Elizabeth, were considered illegitimate by various parties. In fact, both of them had been officially declared bastards at one point or another. Regardless, Henry VIII’s will placed Mary and then Elizabeth after Edward in the line of succession. Following them were the grandchildren of his deceased youngest sister Mary Tudor and old drinking-and-jousting buddy Charles Brandon, Jane Grey and her sisters. Either or both because he was not all that fond of his other sister Margaret or did not want a Scottish king to inherit the English throne (which, ironically enough, was exactly what ultimately happened), his will left out Margaret’s descendents, the reigning royal line of Scotland, out in the cold completely.

Was Jane really smart enough to read Plato in the original Greek?

Jane’s parents, Henry and Frances Grey, were devout Protestants, specifically Calvinists, and Protestants usually went far with the old Renaissance idea that even daughters should be educated. It was believed that education was the best way to ward off sin, heresy, and Catholicism (“A book a day keeps Satan and the Pope away,” to sum it up) while it ensured that Protestant beliefs would be passed on, which made the education of future mothers especially crucial. Jane not only benefited from this legacy, but seems to have been a kind of prodigy. She could not only read Latin and Greek, but could converse on sophisticated topics in them, and was learning Hebrew as well. Plus she exchanged letters with several prominent Protestant leaders and scholars, which wasn’t bad for a teenage woman.

Who is John Dudley?

John Dudley, or the Duke of Northumberland as he’s usually remembered in the history books, was a distinguished general and admiral who was one of a number of politicians who forced Edward VI’s first regent, his uncle Edward Seymour, out of office. Although he never took up the old office of Lord Protector, Dudley was really the new regent.

Jane’s parents are…pretty much sociopaths.

The scene where a Protestant scholar finds Jane reading Greek instead of hunting with her parents is completely accurate up until the point where her parents show up and start berating her. In real life, according to a letter written by the scholar, Jane actually confided to him that one of the reasons she loved reading and spending time with her tutors was that it was the only time when her parents didn’t constantly criticize and ridicule her.

What’s wrong with Edward and was he really manipulated into disinheriting his sisters?

Edward was either dying of tuberculosis or a severe lung infection. Either way, his death was slow, agonizing, and obvious, with one observer commenting that he was coughing up black and green mucus and blood. Even on his deathbed, though, he wasn’t completely Dudley’s puppet, even though historical tradition claims that Dudley practically forced Edward VI to write a new will overturning Henry VIII’s will and disinheriting both his sisters in favor of Jane Grey. See, contrary to popular belief, Henry VIII was never a Protestant, but instead just wanted a Church without a Pope (and where all the money spent on religious functions went to his government, not to some Church hierarchy or to the monasteries). However, Edward VI, even as a boy, was a fanatical Protestant who was determined to make sure England became a true Protestant country, a sentiment Dudley shared. Both Edward VI and Dudley knew that if Mary, who was a staunch traditionalist Catholic who hated what they would have considered Henry VIII’s “moderate” reforms, ever got the crown she would acknowledge papal authority again. It is true that, despite the growing tensions between them because of their religious and political differences, Edward and Mary were still relatively close, but Edward had just as much reason as Duldey to make sure a conservative Catholic never got within a one-mile radius of the English throne. As for Elizabeth, she was still very young at the time and couldn’t be relied upon to maintain the religious reforms they wanted (and, in fact, while Elizabeth I ultimately would be a self-proclaimed Protestant unlike her father, her religious policies were in some ways rightly criticized as “quasi-Catholic”). Since they were devout Calvinists, the Greys were the only sure bet that Edward VI’s vision of a purely Protestant England didn’t die with him. Of course, Dudley making sure that his son Guilford married Jane before the fact was clearly a power play designed to make sure he still had a good foothold on the new regime.

Was Guilford Dudley really a louse?

Not really, at least as far as the record indicates. Instead he comes across as more than a bit of a pampered mama’s boy, which is arguably the exact opposite of the way he’s portrayed here.

Did Jane rebel that much over being made to marry Guilford Dudley?

While it seems like dramatic license, there were reports that Jane did have an outburst against being forced to marry Guilford Dudley and her mother Frances Grey really did literally beat her into submission. Why she fought so hard against the betrothal, in spite of widespread Protestant ideas about female submission, is completely unknown. It was either because she wanted to remain single, out of the fact that she was already betrothed to the Earl of Hertford (which at the time was virtually as good as already being married), or because she knew she was just being set up to be Dudley’s pawn. Surprisingly the movie doesn’t explicitly give an explanation, except for hinting that Jane had already fallen in love with Edward VI. However, except for the fact that Jane was at one point considered as a possible wife for Edward, there’s nothing recorded about any feelings they had for each other or anything suggesting that they even knew each other that well.

Was Guilford really concerned about social ills?

Well, we can’t say he wasn’t, but given the faint image that does survive of him in the records, probably not. The film does have a point in that Henry VIII’s reign and the English Reformation did leave England in a rather bad state. While there was some economic improvement later on in Edward VI’s reign, inflation was out of control and the shutting down of monasteries and religious orders totally cut away one important, country-wide source of charity for the poor. However, we can’t say for sure if Jane and Guilford were even aware of these crises.

Did they really fall in love?

No; in fact, the exact opposite, and Jane spent as much time away from her new husband as possible.

Was Queen Jane’s crowning that…awkward?

The film does capture the sense that Jane’s crowning was a rushed, slipshod affair, but if anything what really happened was more dramatic than what the filmmakers put on screen. According to Jane’s own testimony later, she was offered the English crown by the Marquess of Winchester, one of John Dudley’s supporters. Even though Winchester insisted that he just wanted to see how it looked on her, Jane strongly protested but finally relented, in tears. When someone mentioned that Guilford would also be made king, Jane became angry and said Guilford would be made a duke, but nothing more. After a heated argument between the spouses, Guilford literally ran out of the room crying and looking for his mother, who came back with Guilford in tow and berated Jane for about an hour. Even then, Jane did not change her mind or compromise.

Did Jane actually attempt any reforms or, in fact, anything?

This is another point where the film is rather overoptimistic. Historians tend to overestimate just how conservative sixteenth century monarchs were – Henry VIII was downright revolutionary even though he didn’t intend to make England Protestant, as were his near-contemporaries Isabel and Fernando of Spain, who fundamentally changed Spanish society, much to the horror of Spanish Jews and Muslims – but Jane didn’t really have much of a chance to do anything in nine days as the figurehead of a regime that was beleaguered and widely unpopular from the very start. Almost all of her official acts were just sending orders to the sheriffs to put down the “rebellion” by Queen Mary, who right after her brother’s death declared herself as the legitimate Queen of England.

Did Patrick Stewart…I mean, Jane’s father really rush in and tear down the decorations in Jean’s throne room?

It seems like dramatic license, but according to one account, when news came that almost all of Jane’s council and large sections of the army defected over to Mary’s side, he actually came into Jane’s throne room in the Tower of London and tore down the decorations. What the film leaves out is that, for once, Henry Grey tried comforting her and all Jane could do was ask, “Can I go home?”

Queen Mary doesn’t seem to hold a grudge against the woman who usurped her throne, and yet…

Contrary to her reputation as “Bloody Mary,” Mary Tudor was actually able to keep up quite a lot of respect for Protestants, or at least Protestants who happened to be related to her. It is true that throughout her reign she bullied her sister Elizabeth, to the point that Elizabeth was in real danger of being executed and was actually imprisoned in the Tower of London for a while, but it was not just because Elizabeth was Protestant but that she was a dangerous rival some diehard Protestants were already claiming was the true rightful Queen because of Henry VIII’s annulment of his marriage to Mary’s mother, Catherine of Aragon. Mary actually remained close friends with Frances, who (extremely wisely) never pushed forward her own claim to the throne even when John Dudley seemed to have all the cards, and even after Jane was executed Frances was given a place in Mary’s court.

I’m getting ahead of myself, however. Mary also had a lot of genuine affection for Jane and was absolutely convinced that Jane was simply being manipulated by her father and the Dudleys. Although she agreed that Jane had to be imprisoned in the Tower of London for a period, Mary actually intended to one day free her and Guilford Dudley. With John Dudley executed and with the majority of the people, Parliament, and even some prominent Protestants behind her, Mary felt Jane posed no threat whatsoever.

Then Mary went and made what had to have been the dumbest mistake of her entire reign. Her advisers overwhelmingly wanted her to marry Edward Courtenay, who was more or less the only living remnant of the old Plantagenet dynasty the Tudors had (violently) replaced. Instead Mary had her heart set on marrying Philip von Hapsburg of Spain, the son and heir of her cousin Emperor Charles V, who had supported and advised her through letters during all the years she was persecuted and harassed by her father and brother for refusing to acknowledge her mother and father’s annulment and then for being Catholic. Mary, who was forced to live like a spinster because of political circumstances, was drawn to Philip, who was handsome, the son of the closest thing she ever had to a loving father, and belonged to by far the most powerful Catholic dynasty in Europe. Unfortunately, the English did not quite see it the same way. They saw (probably rightfully) that if a child came out of the marriage it would make England a satellite of the patchwork empire the Hapsburgs had already built through marriage alliances and inheritances (by that point the Hapsburgs already had Austria, Spain, the Netherlands, modern day Belgium, Hungary, the title of Holy Roman Emperor, and all the parts of Central Europe that hadn’t already been invaded by the Ottoman Empire). Worse, even though he had not yet become King of Spain, Philip was already associated with the brutal stories of persecution carried out by the Spanish Inquisition. For the English, marriage with Philip meant persecution, tyranny, and political subjugation to a foreign country would come to England, but Mary pressed on anyway. Mary’s subjects disagreed, sparking Wyatt’s Rebellion, led by the son of the poet. The rebellion was completely and pretty quickly crushed and Jane did nothing to back up the revolt, but the fact that Jane’s father fought for the rebels and that Charles V refused to let Philip leave for England until all possible threats to Mary’s rule were dealt with. Jane and Guilford’s fates were sealed. Possibly to soothe her own guilt, though, Mary sent a Catholic priest to try to convert Jane before her execution, but Jane, who had the guts of a true Tudor woman, was unswayed (whereas Northumberland, the hardened puppet master, converted before his execution). Because of that, when Jane was executed, she enjoyed a postumous career as a Protestant martyr, even though she was killed because of politics and not really religion. There are worse fates for people who only got to enjoy power for a few days, like total obscurity.

Incidentally, while Jane’s mother did remarry, she didn’t do so only several weeks after her daughter and husband’s executions.  She wasn’t that horrible a mother.


Jan 13 2011

The Last of Sheila (1973)

The Last of Sheila is definitely the best murder mystery I’ve ever seen on film. Given that the film is relatively (and undeservedly) obscure, it’s somewhat of an audacious statement, and I should admit upfront that I’m no connoisseur of the genre by any stretch,so my opinion and fifty cents won’t even get you a soda and a bag of chips. Still, I have no doubt that at least it is the most elaborately constructed mystery I’ve ever seen put on film. In fact, at the risk of giving too much of a hint, it’s a miracle of storytelling that the most important thread for unraveling the mystery is right there in a picture that’s featured in the title sequence, yet (well, at least in my case) it doesn’t become obvious until the obligatory deduction sequence. From beginning to end, this is a screenwriters’ movie, with all the good that it entails.

The film was written by Stephen Sondheim (yes, that Stephen Sondheim) and Anthony Perkins (yes, that Anthony Perkins), based (hopefully loosely) on actual scavenger hunts the two would host for their Hollywood friends.  The Last of Sheila‘s scavenger hunt is hosted by wealthy film producer Clinton Greene (James Coburn), sailing around the Mediterranean on a yacht named for his dead wife Sheila, who was killed a year before by a hit-and-run driver that was never caught. His guests, who include director Philip (James Mason); screenwriter Tom (Richard Benjamin) and his Hollywood heiress wife Lee (Joan Hackett); actress Alice (Raquel Welch) and her husband/manager Anthony (Ian McShane); and talent agent Christine (Dyan Cannon), are all assigned a different card describing a different shameful secret, from shoplifter to homosexual to, of course, hit-and-run driver. Each day they have to disembark at a different destination along the Mediterranean, where the challenge is to find the clues Clinton had laid out about the secrets of their fellow guests. What they don’t realize, at least at first, is that each card actually does describe a real secret held by one of the other guests.  Also Clinton has a deeper motive than just playing a macabre joke; because all of his guests were at his house the day Sheila was killed, he’s hoping to use the game to coax out the killer’s identity through a process of elimination. Unfortunately, as smart and cynical as Clinton is, he doesn’t seem to have calculated just how easily a game with such stakes can turn dangerous…

With a premise like that, it would have been easy just to have the movie become a slasher flick or at least a rehash of Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None (although the movie does, rather cleverly, act as if it’s heading in that direction for at least a couple of scenes). Instead, this is a movie that doesn’t focus on any body count, but instead on presenting all the right clues, but also playing with misdirection and testing the audience’s ability to pick out the right details from the extraneous ones. It’s a smart film made for a smart audience, a Hollywood rarity, that manages to give the careful viewer everything they need to solve the crime without any of the lazy script tricks that often plague mystery films. There are no eleventh hour suspects or withdrawn evidence. The Last of Sheila doesn’t cheat in the slightest, but it doesn’t make it easy either.

If there is anything that kept this film from becoming a classic, it’s that its artistry is far more in the story itself than in its use of its medium. There are no Hitchcockian turns of visual language and no scenes memorable for their imagery. The director, Herbert Ross, was a workman director whose career stretched back to the ’40s, but in all that time, and even after directing the era-defining Footloose in 1984, he never became a “name” director like Oliver Stone or Harold Ramis, and here it’s easy to see why. That’s not to say that the direction isn’t very good, but that it has little distinctiveness and no obvious signature. For a film that’s so heavily invested in its own story that doesn’t really qualify as a flaw, and in fact it leaves the movie as an example of just how strong and intelligent a script can be.


Nov 27 2010

Lady Death (2004)

What can one say about Lady Death: The Movie? Well…it’s a film…and it’s animated, and it certainly does take up the standard running time…

I have to say, of all the soul-killing films I’ve reviewed for this site, Lady Death disappoints me the most. Like probably very few people whose formative years as a consumer of pop culture were in the ’90s, I actually carry a bit of nostalgia for Chaos! Comics (the “!” is absolutely mandatory), which is best described as the comics company Herschel Gordon Lewis and Andy Sidaris co-founded together in a parallel universe. With protagonists like the bisexual vampire goddess Purgatori, a T&A anti-heroine bluntly called Bad Kitty, and a super-zombie named Evil Ernie whose heroic exploits were directed toward causing a zombie apocalypse, for someone of my generation Chaos! felt like what would happen if your “Magic the Gathering” comrades got to run their own comics company, with all the good and bad that implies. If nothing else Chaos! captured the “alienated ’90s teen who just discovered heavy metal and splatter films” zeitgeist.

And that’s really what’s so astonishing and frustrating about this film. Aside from some surprisingly mild doses of gore and T&A, the film is about as successful in capturing the spirit of Chaos! Comics as the ghost hunters you see on SyFy are in capturing just about any spirit. For one thing, Lady Death is toned down into a fairly generic fantasy heroine, albeit one who is too much of a bad-ass to ride a unicorn. Instead she rides an octocorn. For another, most of the film takes place in the blandest Hell ever. Seriously, Hell is depicted in stark grays and broad cliches, in such a way it seems like less of an artistic choice and more of an example of imaginative failure. Forget Hieronymus Bosch; more frightening and intense Hells have been seen in Loony Toons.

The story, which seems to have been put together Frankenstein’s monster-like from various fantasy plots, is as ambitiously unambitious. In what I guess is supposed to be medieval Sweden (although the dress of the characters in the film vary from Dark Ages chic to Renaissance fop wear), a naïve young woman, Hope (Christine M. Auten), discovers that her father, an ill-defined warlord/bishop/something, is really Lucifer (Mike Kleinhenz), who just seems to be hanging around Scandinavia for no reason. Naturally this discovery comes a bit too late once Satan leaves for Hell and leaves Hope at the mercy of a mob of angry peasants, who burn her as a witch. At the last possible minute, Hope prays for her daddy to rescue her, but refuses to serve him, so she gets thrown into some extended and naturally gratuitous torture scenarios. Since this version of the Devil seems to have not thought out the whole “Having a daughter and demanding her loyalty after leaving her to die in one of the most painful ways imaginable” plan, it’s probably not a shock that Hope has no problem at all in finding a demon willing to train her in fighting, Cremator (Rob Mungle), and in raising a rebellion, etc. etc. etc., she becomes tall, pale-skinned, and big-breasted, gains superpowers, and names herself Lady Death, all for no reason, yadda yadda. Naturally no generic fantasy plot is complete without a McGuffin; in this case it’s a sword named Darkness (any resemblances to actual D&D campaigns you were involved in during the bleakest recesses of your youth are purely coincidental, I’m sure). Everything seems lost when the sword is stolen, but it turns out the power to destroy Lucifer was within her all along. The realization that Lady Death shared a plot point with, among many other things, at least a few episodes of “The Care Bears” was the most enjoyment I got out of the whole film.

Lady Death is the odd terrible movie where the real flaw is that it’s not terrible in the entertaining way it should have been. At least among b-movie aficionados, it’s difficult to even describe this movie’s premise. without making it seem more entertaining than it is. Don’t be fooled. This may be a sexploitation anime about one of the most gratuitous and notorious products of the most decadent era in comics, but it’s a bland serving of crusty cliches wrapped in a Celtic Frost album cover. Even if you are one of the three people out there who share my nostalgia, however misguided, for the ’90s glory that was Chaos! Comics, pass it up.


Nov 7 2010

The House of the Long Shadows (1983)

Maybe I’m just not as much of an obscure film buff as I like to think I am, but, especially because of the circles I run in, once in a while I still stumble across information about some buried cinematic treasure I didn’t even know existed. However, I’ve made very few miraculous discoveries that compare to The House of the Long Shadows, which happens to have Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, John Carradine, and Vincent Price, all in the same film. Now before this movie was released a couple of these beloved horror icons had appeared together before multiple times, but this truly was the first time all four would be on the same bill. Better yet, judging from the plot summary, it seemed like they would actually play characters that interact with each other for more than a couple of minutes (which was a more common problem for films promising Price, Cushing, and/or Lee co-starring than you might think; dare I mention Scream and Scream Again?). My first thought when I heard about it was excitement, anticipation, even awe. Unfortunately, being a much scarred and embittered veteran of film, my second thought was, “Oh God, there’s probably at least several reasons why I haven’t heard about it.” In fact, even before I watched it, I could find two: it was produced by Golan-Globus, and it starred Desi Arnaz, Jr., the guy famous just for being Lucille Ball’s son.

It is true enough that it was in the tradition of the horror studios most associated with the Big Four, like Amicus and AIG, to have bland leading men, so maybe horror fans can just take it in stride as a faithful homage. Nonetheless Desi Arnaz, whose performance is probably best described as aggressively mediocre, still has a special way of sucking just a little of the fun out of any given scene. I’m really not sure why, since – and maybe this just speaks of the caliber of the films I usually watch and review – I wouldn’t claim that Desi Arnaz is a particularly bad actor. It’s just that he seems to have two chief modes in this film: some emotion that’s vaguely recognizable as wry amusement mixed with arrogance and mild irritation.

Desi Arnaz, or maybe I should refer to him as that guy who is Lucille Ball’s son, plays Kenneth Magee, a top-tier novelist who looks down on “Wuthering Heights”-esque Gothic horror. In fact, he makes a hefty bet with his editor Sam (Richard Todd) that he’ll be able to churn out a bona fide Gothic novel in one weekend. To make sure Kenneth has the right atmosphere for his writing marathon, Sam offers to let him stay at a remote and deserted Welsh manor owned by his friend. Agreeing enthusiastically, Kenneth sets himself up with nothing but a candle and a typewriter. Better yet, Sam wins a date with Sam’s assistant, Mary (Julie Peasgood), who had been sent to try to scare Kenneth as a prank. Unfortunately, things get weird when Sam and Mary encounter two housekeepers (John Carradine and Sheila Keith), whom Mary swears aren’t supposed to be there and aren’t part of Sam’s prank. Even stranger, others start to trickle into the mansion: Lionel (Vincent Price), Sebastian (Peter Cushing), and Corrigan (Christopher Lee). Soon enough Kenneth finds himself the unwilling witness to an ugly and decades-old family drama, which should give him ample inspiration if he survives…

As you might have guessed, The House of the Long Shadows is deliberately written as a pastiche of the sorts of films that made our fab four famous in the first place. And to its credit The House of the Long Shadows is the best kind of genre homage/parody: subtle, respectful, and unclogged with the sort of ironic distance all us horror fans have been conditioned to live with for years now. It’s not really the sort of horror film that really gets made in our post-Scream era (the closest twenty-first century equivalent I can think of is Elvira’s Haunted Hills), and that gives The House of the Long Shadows more of a nostalgic feel than you might expect. Fans might be disappointed that the film isn’t a genuine horror-fest, but being what it is it actually does feel like a genuine tribute rather than an exploitation of four legendary actors or a cynical mockery of genre cinema.

That said, the film has a few core – and really perplexing – flaws. While Christopher Lee and Vincent Price both play roles intended to echo the sort of work they’re best known for (Vincent Price’s melodramatic monologues in the style of his time with AIP really do sell the entire movie for me), John Carradine does little more than fill space, perhaps a necessity given the actor’s advanced age at the time the film was directed. However, there’s no excuse for the misuse of Peter Cushing, who plays a milquetoast who definitely isn’t in the spirit of his Dr. Frankenstein. That’s not to say that the character is badly written or that Cushing doesn’t give the part his all, but it is jarring. Finally, at the risk of giving anything away, the inevitable twists don’t really make much sense – and how does someone write even a rough draft of an entire novel in 48 hours?

In the end, The House of the Long Shadows was better than I expected, but not what I hoped for. At the least, though, the filmmakers understood the appeal of these four icons and the sub-genres they worked in. Really, that’s the most any fan can ask for.


Nov 7 2010

Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)

Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? really deserves to be remembered as one of the most influential cult films of all time, since so few can claim to have kicked off an entire sub-genre, the so-called “psycho-biddy”, “Older women in peril”, or, my own favorite, “Grande Dame Guignol” movies. You probably know the type; neo-Gothic films featuring unhappy neurotic people who had their best days or a horrific trauma, if not both, behind them, quite often with titles that were questions or declarative sentences concerning said unhappy neurotic character (i.e. How Awful About Allan, Whatever Happened to Aunt Alice?, What’s The Matter With Helen?). None of these films ever really came close to matching Baby Jane‘s success, but that doesn’t mean the films weren’t godsends to certain types of lovers of cinema. Not only were the films often consciously campy, but they often featured older actresses (or in the case of How Awful About Allan a well-known typecast actor, Anthony Perkins) encouraged to embrace a deliberately melodramatic and theatrical style of acting that was falling rapidly out of favor in the Hollywood of the mid-’60s.

On the surface, Who Slew Auntie Roo? is fairly typical of its kind. From the start we meet poor Mrs. Ruth Forrester (Shelley Winters), who has just about every reason to be content, despite being a widow: mainly lots of money and a palatial mansion. Tragically, though, she’s singularly obsessed with her long-missing daughter, Katharine, whom she’s convinced is dead, even though a body was never found by the police, and whose fate she blames only herself for. This guilt-fueled fixation means she’s an easy and constant mark for her amoral and at-least-slightly unhinged butler Albie (Michael Gothard) and a local psychic Mr. Benton (Ralph Richardson), who encourages her to believe that Katharine’s spirit is always nearby – but not near enough to communicate with her mother to a point where there’s a chance she’ll find peace (and hence no longer need Mr. Burton’s services). Despite this and the impenetrable mystery still surrounding Katharine Forrester’s disappearance, the other residents of the English town Ruth lives in seem to just treat her like a mild eccentric, probably because every Christmas Eve she invites ten children from the nearby orphanage to her mansion, where she lavishly treats them to a few days of presents, food, fun, and exuberant maternal affection. This year a brother-and-sister duo, Christopher (Mark Lester) and Katy (Chloe Franks), who are left off the list of guests because of their penchant for running away and other odd behavior, secretly stowaway on the car ride to the mansion, but are warmly welcomed by Mrs. Forrester regardless.

Soon enough, Christopher, who falls firmly under the category of “too clever for his own good”, makes the horrific discovery that the orphans’ cheerful and benevolent benefactor has always known exactly where her daughter – or rather her daughter’s thoroughly decayed corpse – is; she’s in a coffin sealed up in a secret room, where Mrs. Forrester goes to visit every night as if she were still alive. Worse, Mrs. Forrester quickly takes a strong liking to Katy, even becoming convinced that she’s the reincarnation of Katharine and, just as the children are scheduled to return to the orphanage, going so far as to practically kidnap her. Christopher, handicapped by a real-life instance of being the boy who cried wolf, sets out alone to rescue Katy, believing whole-heartedly that he’s the Gretel to Katy’s Hansel and Mrs. Forrester’s wicked, cannibalistic witch.

Part of what makes the film break loose from all the standard genre trappings is the presence of Shelley Winters. Although not as instantly recognizable as Bette Davis or Joan Crawford, Shelley Winters was still a star in her own right and succeeds in hitting the expected Sunset Boulevard-esque notes without devolving into hysterical scenery-chewing. It helps too that the script is clever enough to toy around with the question of who the film’s victim really is. Arguably it takes the point too far outside the realm of subtlety by the end, but it does make for an interesting if telegraphed climax.

Even with the occasional glimpses of sheer creativity, the film still feels somewhat unfinished. This is especially true for the backstory hinted at but never filled in by the script. The obvious questions are never answered: what really happened to Katharine, and what is the cause of the guilt that pushes Mrs. Forrester right into the territory of insanity? It is fine – in fact, usually a plus – when a movie leaves certain details to the audience’s imagination and in this case it does work to the advantage of the character of Mrs. Forrester; revealing that Katharine’s death was deliberate or accidental would have destroyed much of the moral ambiguity surrounding the character. But there is enough background information revealed, particularly the hints surrounding Albie’s sadistic attitude toward children and the past of the late Mr. Forrester (for instance, is the scene where Katy is nearly killed by a “prop guillotine” that wasn’t a prop after all meant to be an indication as to what happened to Katharine?), that seems like it should be building up to something. In the overview it feels less like a deliberate artistic choice and more like the result of bone-deep script cuts.

Boiled down to one quick and dirty judgment, my opinion on Who Slew Auntie Roo? is that it’s like a half-hour episode of a horror anthology stretched out to feature film length. There’s not enough backstory and plot to make the film feel substantial while the fairy tale revisionist twist really does feel like it would work much better in a shorter time frame. For all that, the movie rarely becomes boring, and there are worse vehicles for someone with Shelley Winters’ often-overlooked talents.