Cabin By The Lake (2000)

A screenwriter Stan is working on the screenplay for his new film, Cabin by the Lake. The story involves some man who kills women by drowning them in a lake and dressing and setting up their corpses to create a "garden." Unfortunately, Stan has taken the motto "Write about what you know" way too far...

Over at the IMDB there seems to be an unwritten rule which goes like this: "The crappier the movie, the more glowing the user reviews have to be." I first realized this when I skimmed the user reviews for The Clown At Midnight, one of which claimed that The Clown At Midnight was "excellent for real horror fans." I thought the person might have actually meant, "After having to sit through The Clown At Midnight, a merciful bullet to the brain would be excellent for real horror fans," but, alas, it was not so. Then, after watching Cabin By The Lake, I thought, "Well, not even some dope who thought The Clown At Midnight was the next Psycho could possibly find anything to love about this dreck." What I found on the user reviews for this film, though, shook my faith in the Internet community, if not the human race in general:

"I have to say I was very VERY impressed."

"The eerie soundtrack, reminiscent of the Twin Peaks series, helps to set the mood for a quirky story that's part black comedy and part thriller."

"The directing is wonderful and Judd Nelson is a great actor who adds much depth (pardon the pun) and credibility to the character."

"The directing reminds me of David Lynch, but with much more cohesion."

If Mr. Lynch was dead, I wouldn't say he'd be spinning in his grave. I'd say he'd be out of it engaging in a full Night of the Living Dead-style rampage. Cabin By The Lake is a "USA original," and I'm sure you all know what that means. I really did keep my expectations low for this one, but they weren't nearly low enough, unlike the people I just quoted.

Judd Nelson, fresh from his "Suddenly Susan" days, puts in a performance that threatens to topple over into self-parody territory right until the "shocking" very last moment of the film which left me laughing like a drugged-up hyena. When he tries to be intimidating and frightening, it looks at though his eyeballs might explode, and when he tries to be creepy, he just comes across as kind of sleazy. But it isn't as if Nelson is recieving that much competition in this film. Hedy Burress plays Jennifer Love Hewitt better than Jennifer Love Hewitt, which really isn't saying much at all. I have to admit, though, Nelson and Hewitt...er, Burness, almost make the plot interesting by vaguely suggesting some sort of bizarre romantic attraction between would-be victim and would-be killer, which may have redeemed this film somewhat if it was given any real place in the script. Unfortunately, it isn't; possibly because working with such an intriguing plot point would require too much imagination and work from the screenwriter, it just bubbles up very briefly at least twice only to disappear just as completely.

But that lost oppurtunity isn't the only flaw with the script. As you might expect, the plot holes are large enough to drive a tank through. Hell, not just a tank, but an entire Panzer division. For just one example, our heroine is saved from certain death by the heroic local deputy. So, what does he end up doing? Leaving her in a motel room without any police protection whatsoever while the killer is still on the loose, of course! (But you probably can't blame him; from all indications, the town the film takes place in has a police department consisting of two or three people.) The only thing more lame than the movie's plot are its embarrassing sets. Did you know freshwater lakes have seaweed (and some variety that resembles colored tissue paper, to boot)? The one in Cabin by the Lake does. Even that, though, can't rival the killer's "garden." In a far better movie, the "garden" would have been a chilling testimony to one man's sexual depravity; here, though, its a museum of unrealistic mannequins floating contently underwater. But, folks, that's not even the best part. With the aid of some "kooky" (you read that right) special effects people who run a local theatre, the police concoct a scheme to catch the killer. See, the killer returns to the "garden" every day or so to check on his latest addition, and, having saved Burness' character, the police have these people make a mannequin copy of Burness complete with a secret camera attached. When the dummy is finally dragged over to the "garden," one can't help but notice with great amusement that the so-called "dummy" looks just as fake as the "corpses" do! It was at this point I wondered if I was mistaken and was actually watching the most subtle satire ever made.

Oh, and don't let me forget about the "eerie soundtrack." It's essentially composed of a one-note "spooky" theme, a handful of "alternative" rock songs that may have been composed by Trent Reznor's fifteen-year old nephew, and the "comedy relief" theme, which is quite appropriate, since it's just as groan inducing as the scenes it introduces, and sounds like it was lifted straight out of a Cinemax softcore porn.

Sadly, though, as the user reviews I read and the chilling fact that there's a Cabin By The Lake 2 on the way suggest, even generic crap like this can get the seal of approval from so many.