Chairman of the Board (1998)

There are some movies whose reputations are greater than they are, for better or for worse. Take Chairman of the Board for example, a movie so notorious you would think simply handling the rental box would give you three different types of cancer. Like quite a few things in this world, such as Yanni, Keanu Reeves, or France, Chairman of the Board and its star Carrotop seem to have nothing but detractors. How can anything short of an international conspiracy explain Carrotop's continued 'success'? Maybe 'sucking' is just as much of a draw as 'not sucking.' Certainly the very existence of this site and many others like it justifies that idea. Or maybe there really is a secret cabal of Carrotop fans, lurking Morlock-like just under the surface of the Internet. They spend their afternoons carefully taping and cataloguing Carrotop's 1-800-CALL-ATT spots and, after reading this review, plotting my demise.

But is there life and sanity after Chairman of the Board? Yes. It really wasn't that awful (but, keep in mind, that's not saying much given the piles of crap I usually watch.) I have seen worse anti-comedies in my time, though, with Vice Academy winning all prizes, especially in the coveted "Acting that made me want to disembowel myself the most" category. (I think by this point I should just ask my kindly webmaster Nathan if he could give me space for another site, this one solely dedicated to entire treatises on how much I hate Vice Academy. The first one can be titled, "How Vice Academy Disproves the Existence of God.")

Anyway, what's remarkable about Chairman of the Board isn't how painfully unfunny it is, but how formulaic. You all know the ingredients: the Loveable But Clumsy Dope; the Smarmy Arrogant Villain(ess)); the Perfect Girl Destined To Fall For L.B.C.D; L.B.C.D's Goofy Pal(s); and the Grouchy Domineering Landlord/Parent/Boss/Whathaveyou. There's a few different recipes you can use with these things, but one of the most popular is the L.B.C.D finally does something to gain material success and gets caught up with it; Villain(ess) engineers his downfall; L.B.C.D gets a second chance, with or without the aid of his Goofy Pal(s) and/or his love interest and/or a couple of random characters pissed off at Villain(ess); L.B.C.D learns a Lesson and gets the girl; everyone except the Villain(ess) is happy. There, I just spared you the need to see this movie.

Seriously, all you need to do is insert the characters' names, add a few details, and you'll have a serviceable plot summary. I know many movies follow formulas; hell, it's a given. But usually, for better or for worse, there's something more there. With Chairman of the Board, it isn't like the script was made by a Script-o-Matic. It's like someone just took the template to be loaded into the Script-o-Matic and just scribbled some jokes and details in. You even have a bunch of scenes with L.B.C.D (here Carrotop, as if you had any doubt) trying to fit into some aspect of the upper-class world (in this case, the boardroom of a company) and being successful despite the expectations of the villain. It's a comedic plot device that may as well have been invented by the Greeks, if not the Sumerians.

Speaking of the villain, I think it was Larry Miller's performance as Ye Olde Evil Businessman that made this film tolerable. I like Larry Miller, even Wes Craven's Carnival of Souls couldn't turn me against him, so maybe I'm a bit biased. Still, his dour, straightfaced performance as Ye Olde Evil Businessman was by far the most amusing thing about this movie. Just a couple of jokes about Ayn Rand would have made it perfect (well, aside from a much better script). It was also rather nice to see Estelle Harris, also known as George Castanza's mother, playing...well, George Castanza's mother with a health problem that's turned into a lame gag.

The one actor I really felt bad for was Courtney Thorne-Smith since she's given the unenviable task of trying to convincingly fall for Carrotop. And Carrotop himself? Well…he's Carrotop. That's all that can be said. In Carrotop's defense, I will say that he wasn't as annoying as the two playing his buddies/sidekicks, whom I suspect of being written in to make Carrotop look funny by comparison. I kept wishing that the movie would take a 'tragic' turn and have them die from a drug overdose. Yes, he movie suggests vaguely that Carrotop and his friends danced with Mary Jane, but doesn't dare go anywhere with it. That's a real shame, because Carrotop's character is supposed to have been an inventor and I can't believe he didn't think up some very creative bongs.

Ahem. Apart from Larry Miller and a few odd, 'is she that desperate for a paycheck?' moments from Raquel Welch, this is your standard dope-finds-success-loses-success-but-gets-the-girl movie, just with the notorious Carrotop thrown in. If you want to tell your friends that you dared see a film starring Carrotop and lived, go ahead. You'll make it. Probably.

Cast Connections:

Writers Al Saptien and Turi Meyer turned out another masterwork, Leprechaun 2.