Equinox (1971)

Two All-American guys and their All-American girls go out to visit a professor (a glimmer of the Rocky Horror Picture Show?) and have a picnic. When the professor isn't found, the two stumble upon a cave where a crazy old man gives them a book....a SATANIC book, to be precise. Unfortunately, Asmodius, a Satan-worshipping, monster loving park ranger (!) is after the same item.

Only without the talking dog. Or the subliminal messages about pot.

This movie was made in the early 70s, but the teens act and talk like 50s teenagers, or rather the idealized 50s teenagers. Also since this movie is so intent on recreating the 50s experience, the misogyny is blatant. The girls whine as their "manly" boyfriends play hunter/defender, turn pretty much useless at key points, actually worry about getting killed horribly and so on, etc. etc.

The acting is pretty bad from pretty much everyone, but it doesn't really reach levels of sheer pain (hey, I had to give a complement) and it matches the quality of the dialogue extremely well (hey, another one!). But you can save yourself from a good mind-numbing by noting all the little continuity errors the film chucks at you on an astonishing level. I watched this film with my fellow B-festers Jen and Stacy, and for a while our conversation was like this:

"Hey, um, wasn't that girl's hair shorter earlier?"

"Um, I don't know, but I'm sure it turned a different shade."

You get the gist of it.

The most fun character in the movie, though, was the villain, Asmodius, who is after our heroes and the book faster than you can say "Those meddling kids." If you think his name sounds a bit like Latin, I got the same idea and undusted my Latin-English dictionary. As it turns out, the name is Latin...Latin for "The entire corn-measurer." As if that wasn't amusing enough, Asmodius seems to have a thing for bizarre facial expressions which have the power to turn Good Girls into Growling Vampires!

The true...um, "stars" of the film, however, are the Harryhausen-esque monsters. While they aren't too bad for a film of this caliber, they're not all that effective, particularly when the evil brother of the Jolly Green Giant shows up at one point (you'll know it when you see it).

Even more ineffective than the monsters is the plot, which is riddled with holes. How did the professor get the book in the first place if it's supposedly so important? If the book can empower both good and evil (go with me on this), why does it show particularly evil tendencies, such as smelling like sulfur? After the protagonists learn from the book that making certain holy symbols will protect them from Asmodius' monsters, how the hell can they be so stupid as to continue breaking or losing them? And most jarring of all, why don't they just give Asmodius the damn book anyway? If the characters knew Asmodius was going to use it to take over the world or bring about a Lovecraftian Apocalypse then I would understand, but that issue's never brought up. As far as the teens know, he just lost it and would like to return it to the local Satanists' Library and it's already overdue. Who are they to judge?