Gladiator Eroticus

I bet you didn't know the greatest general Rome ever had was a lesbian named Eroticus. I also bet you didn't know she subdued the Gauls by pleasuring their queen to death. She was next in line to become Emperor, Eroticus was, until the late Emperor's bratty son Dickus Minimus had her captured and forced her to become a gladiator. After an intensive training, Eroticus forms her own league of lesbian gladiators, the "Gladshiators" (say it slowly.)

There's really nothing quite like cheesy porn, especially that of recent years, which manages to perfectly intertwine a 14-year old male's sense of humor with sex scenes so bland and awkward you'd think it was your prom night again. But wait, Mr. Reviewer, this film's done got Lesbians. That it does, in abundance; the film even reaches its...er, 'climax' with a six way involving pretty much the film's entire female cast. Yet somehow this movie makes even that just a tad more sexy than a topless Tipper Gore. In that regard, this movie beats even Cocaine Cowboys to the "It should have been cool, but..." award. It's a sad thing when you start to wish they'd just get the naked lesbians out of the way and hurry up with the "plot."

Of course, the film also has its fair share of comedy, the kind that makes even Adam Sandler look hilarious. To be fair, though, there wasn't a single fart joke if I remmeber right, although there was a very long vomiting scene that took place in what the ancient Romans liked to call 'the vomitorium.' But, elitism aside, I'll gladly admit there were more than a few lines that made me and a friend of mine who was watching chuckle. But of course we both have excuses; we're both freely in touch with our inner 14-year olds.

Part of what made the movie hilarious in some places for us was the unashamed low budgets. Grand Roman buildings are depicted with graphics a Playstation can put to shame. The Romans spend most of their time waving around purple plastic goblets which I think you can pick up two for a dollar at Big Lots. The Gaulic warriors wield deadly styrofoam axes and wear plastic helmets (with horns, of course). Plus no attempt at all is made to disguise the fact that pretty much the whole movie unfolds in the same place. In fact, this is probably the only movie I've seen that I can honestly say I could fully fund.

Choice Scenes:

-The brief interlude giving us a one-minute history of the world.
-The vomitorium.
-Is that Enya playing in the background?

Choice Quotes:

"Let's just say we licked them!"
-Eroticus, poetically describing her victory over the Gauls.