Flash Gordon (1980)

The Fu Manchu-esque Emperor Ming (played by Max Von Sydow!) wants to destroy the planet Earth, simply for his own evil amusement. As a warm-up, he uses a sinister device to cause horrendous weather conditions on the planet (including "hot hail," whatever that is). Somehow rogue scientist Dr. Zarkov traces the disturbences to Emperor Ming's home planet Mango. Using a self-built rocket, he plans to go there, and forces whitebread football player Flash Gordon and his girlfriend Dale to accompany him. The unlucky trio are shocked to discover that Emperor Ming is not exactly the diplomatic sort. After Flash is ordered to be executed only to be resurrected by Ming's slutty daughter Aura, he finds himself leading a rebellion against Ming with the aid of Mongo's barons. Unfortunately, Flash better prove smarter than he looks, because not only does he have to save the Earth, but also save Dale from a fate worse to death: marriage (well, not just marriage, but marriage to Emperor Ming.)

It's somewhat ironic that a movie called Flash Gordon would also have one of the most sluggish plots I've ever seen. Now, that's not to say that this movie didn't have a lot going for it. Despite this being a Dino de Laurentiis (three chilling words to any true B-movie conoissieur) production, a lot of love and energy went toward the making of it. Most of the cast-especially Max von Sidow, Brian Blessed as Vultan, and Timothy Dalton as Barin-all seem to be having the time of their lives. The set design is very well done, in that it manages to be both highly campy and quite striking simultaneously. There's also a fair share of memorable scenes thrown into the mix, from the goofy but amusing football game/fight scene in Ming's court to the rather creepy brainwashing of Dr. Zarkov to the bizarre wedding ceremony between Dale and Ming (listen to the revised vows). Despite all this, it's just, as a whole, the film seems so dull.

Can we blame our two leads, Sam Jones as Flash Gordon and Melody Anderson as Dale? Well, definitely the two of them play up the "all-American cracker" nature of the characters and come at the roles with a self-awareness that's quite pleasing. Rather than pass over the racial and nationalistic propaganda of the "Flash Gordon" serial, the film takes it head-on and succeeds in relentlessly mocking it. One very memorable example is when Aura urges Dale to back out of her marriage to Ming, which Dale agreed to in a futile attempt to save Flash's life. "My father has never kept a vow in his life!" With a friendly but condescending tone, Dale replies, "I can't help that, Aura, keeping our word is one of the things that make us better than you."

Dale, however, comes across remarkably well, and actually shows signs of being a three-dimension character, rather than simply our heroine in distress. Our hero, Flash, however, does not really break lose from his mold as an archtype, and, while his naive antics are fun to watch at first, they don't really do enough to carry the entire film. While Sam Jones' Flash does come across as competent (at least sometimes), and while this really isn't the sort of movie you can watch without a heavy dose of disbelief suspension, it's really hard to believe that Flash could lead a rebellion, even the poorly organized one depicted here. Of course, that could all just be a part of the big joke; any good ol' blonde American boy can lead those unenlightened aliens into a fight for liberty, truth, and apple pie, yessir. P>More entertaining is Max von Sidow's role of Ming the Conquerer. Watching Sidow's Ming banter with any of the characters is a rare treat. Simply seeing Sidow emerge in his outlandish costume was enough to rekindle any interest in the film. However, that leads me to the film's biggest disappointment, there's no final confrontation between Flash and Ming. I was fully expecting one, and I would have settled for even a long, boring confrontation like the one between He-Man and Skeletor in Masters of the Universe. Sadly, no such thing happens. Ming is speedily dispatched by an out-of-control phallic symbol (there's quite a few of those in this film, by the way) and Flash manages to save the Earth in the longest few seconds I've ever seen (you'll know what I mean when you see it)..

Now, the first thing that comes to people's minds when Flash (AH-HA) Gordon is mentioned is that Queen did the soundtrack. They did, and I must admit that the theme song is rather catchy, but in the (anti)climatic action sequence bits of it, especially the part where the chorus goes AH-HA, is played literally ad nauseum. Every time Flash (AH-HA) appears, there's that damn AH-HA. In fact, I think it's driven me insane.

Cast Connections

John Hallam (Luro) has been in a long string of fantasy films from Dragonslayer to Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves to Kull the Conquerer. I dunno why, maybe it's because he's from Ireland.

Choice Quotes:

"We are only interested in friendship. Why do you attack us?"
"Why not?"
-Dr. Zarkov and Emperor Ming respectively.