Kama Sutra: A Story Of Love (1996)

Two friends, who have grown up together in the midst of sixteenth century India, are separated only by their class differences. When the wealthier of the two is engaged to a king, the other is green with envy and gets her revenge by sleeping with the king just before the wedding night...

NOTE: To be honest, I took no notes with this one, so I'll just refer to the characters by the names my friends and I made up for them.

I really have nothing against "arty" flicks, like some reviewers who savor the dregs of pop culture. David Lynch, Maya Deren, Federico Fellini, and Ken Russell all have a home in my personal pantheon of favorite directors. But I do have one requirement, that even my "arty" films be entertaining and interesting. All the multi-layered symbolism, narrative experiments, and postmodern surrealism in the world can't redeem a movie that's just boring. Unfortunately, quite a few self-proclaimed fans of 'high art 'don't quite feel the same way.

That's probably why Kama Sutra: A Story of Love gets so much relatively good press from what I've seen. It has an ego big and bloated enough to try to beat viewers into submission. Characters in the film occasionally chuck out lines that are dripping with pretension. For instance, in one thoughtful moment, the movie's resident hunk Hottie McHotten says to his soon-to-be lover Sexy Nopants: "Sometimes a servant is a master in disguise." After he says this, there's a pause, a long dramatic pause, as though the director is 'generously' giving us time to let that profound piece of dialogue sink into our minds like the Titanic into the ocean. Either that or give the time for the audience to take another shot.

When I started watching it, I really thought it would be a brainless softcore porn, a movie that would sacrifice plot for sex. There's actually a surprisingly low amount of sex, even on a softcore level. Unfortunately, the plot was still sacrificed. For little reason, the writers hunted it down, bashed its skull in, cut its belly upon, and spread the guts out as far and as widely as possible.

This dead, stinking carcass of a plot is the stuff of soap operas. Sexy Nopants and Latoya Jackson are friends, but, because Latoya is a princess and Sexy Nopants is a lowly servant, it's a relationship riddled with envy, jealousy, and general hostility. Latoya is engaged to That King Guy (played by an actor who was also in The English Patient, another entry in the dull, pseudo-artsy category...just ask Elaine Bennis), and can't help bragging about it to Sexy Nopants. So Sexy Nopants follows the most reasonable and logical course of action: she sleeps with That King Guy the night before the wedding. Even though That King Guy thoroughly enjoyed the tender mercies of Sexy Nopants and begins to become infatuated with her, he and Latoya go through the wedding anyway. Sexy Nopants is beaten up by Latoya and a couple of other angry people, including some strange crippled guy. I think he was originally engaged to Sexy Nopants, or maybe he was just some random comic relief person thrown in. As far as I know, the elderly and crippled could be a huge facet of Indian entertainment.

Anyway, for some reason, Sexy Nopants spends some time wandering around the Land of Unsubtle Phallic Symbols (I swear, she walks around a pool and then this rocky field with lots of smooth stones stacked up to look like penises). Eventually, she starts learning the tricks of love and lust according to the Kama Sutra (ah, you know it had to be in here eventually, didn't you?) in an actual class of sorts run by the character I dubbed Character Who Justifies the Title (C.W.J.T). C.W.J.T is, in my opinion, the most beautiful character here, and probably the best actress. However, she doesn't do much except explain incessantly how important to bedroom aerobatics the Kama Sutra is and touch the other female characters in minor but provocative ways.

Oh yes, Sexy Nopants also finally runs into a sculptor, Hotty McHotten. The two instantly hit it off, swim in the pool (which I think Sexy Nopants was wandering around earlier), and have wild monkey sex. Of course, because then the movie would thankfully be over, there's a complication. For some reason I and even the writers didn't get, Hottie McHotten scorns Sexy Nopants: her uninhibited sexuality has disrupted his creative cycle! Or something. Just take my word for it. I took the scriptwriters'.

I'm getting bored just recalling the plot, so I'll make the rest quick. Hottie McHotten makes a rather 'generously proportioned' statue of Sexy Nopants. That King Guy pops up out of nowhere, does everything but hump the leg of the statue, and decides to find Sexy Nopants again and make her his mistress, taking Hottie McHotten with him. Apparently That King Guy can go either way and gets the hots for Hottie McHotten too, because before we know it That King Guy and Hottie McHotten are wrestling in the dirt, clasping each other's hands, and spending a lot of time violating each other's breathing space.

Sexy Nopants pops up again at some point and just hangs around the castle secretly to play with her Hottie McHotten. Latoya Jackson, who for one scene more resembles Michael, gets depressed, not finding love in her man, and tries to kill herself, only to be saved and to find the joys of lesbian sex. Around that point That King Guy finally realizes that Hottie McHotten loves his precious Sexy Nopants (in a scene where we get to see one of the most elaborate bongs ever conceived), so he orders his execution. Sexy Nopants sneaks out of the castle and finds Hottie McHotten. They exchange lots of boring dialogue, then Hottie McHotten is dragged around all of India by an elephant who eventually steps on him (I can't make this up). Now left with a pancake for a lover, Sexy Nopants wanders off again, presumably back to the Land of Unsubtle Phallic Symbols. The end, an hour or two too late.

If no comfort can be found in a plot like this, how's the sex? For a movie with Kama Sutra in the title, it's disappointing at best. There are only about three sex scenes in the film (two if you follow Bill Clinton's definition), and only one of them employs extensive techniques from the actual book. The sex is neither idealized to porn or romance novel levels, nor rendered realistically gritty. It just kind of happens.

The one saving grace to this flick is in its aesthetic beauty. The amount of detail given to the sets and the costume design is literally stunning. Although I'm not an expert in the culture and history of sixteenth century India, it didn't seem to matter, because it certainly felt real. The effort put into making this a strong period piece went down from the largest, most elaborate sets to the slightest culturally-correct actions of the characters. Plus the actors and actresses in this film are all very pleasing to the eye, and, although they're not really put into many intimate sexual positions, they sometimes maintain an erotic aura about them.

If only even half of the effort that went toward set and costume design were put into the writing, this might have actually been a classic as both a historical study of sixteenth century India and an experiment in eroticism. As it stands though, it's just a shiny, expensive toy most people will get bored with after twenty or so minutes.

Cast Connections:

I already mentioned The English Patient...*shudder*

Choice Quotes:

"Ah, such a tender flower, as yet unopened."
-A dirty old Indian matriarch, in reference to one of our heroines.