Kull the Conqueror (1997)

There are a number of film genres and sub-genres that don’t leave writers and directors much breathing space unless they’re willing to really be ‘experimental.’ One obvious example is the slasher genre, which is so caught up in its conventions that it’s hard to even do a decent satire of it (see the Scream trilogy). Another is the Western, although you can argue there that its familiar motifs and predictable plots were part of its success. Anyway, just as restrictive is the ‘sword n’ sandals’ genre, which demands 1) a physically strong and good-at-combat hero (preferably an outcast, an orphan, a traveler, or a lost king/queen/princess/noble), 2) someone powerful as an adversary (wizard/king/emperor/noble/) or is somehow manipulating someone powerful, 3) a love interest that is either on the same socio-cultural level as the hero or even lower (sometimes the love interest will actually be a princess or a noble, but that’s somewhat rare in my experience), and, of course, 4) the quest, which will hopefully take up much of the movie’s action.

Kull the Conqueror isn’t a rabble rouser. Instead, it’s perfectly content to merrily follow the conventions of the genre, even to the point it feels like Diet Conan the Barbarian. Of course, there are plenty of reasons for that. For one, Kull the Conqueror was created by Robert Howard, the same mind that was behind Conan the Barbarian. For another, apparently the screenplay for this movie was rewritten from a script intended for a third Conan movie after Conan the Destroyer that never made it to production because Arnold Schwarzenegger declined to sign on. Yet most of all this is very much a ‘fad’ movie, made to cash in on the success of Sam Raimi’s cult hits “Hercules: The Legendary Journeys” and “Xena: Warrior Princess.” The film even has Kevin Sorbo playing its protagonist, who was still starring in “Hercules” at the time. Like Raimi, the film tries to eschew the semi-seriousness of films like Conan the Barbarian and even Beastmaster in favor of a self-conscious pop culture attitude. The soundtrack features AC/DC-esque hard rock, Kull finds time to make quips even with the requisite purple prose, and, while there is no real Comic Relief here, Harvey Fierstein (!) doing double time as a sort-of Comic Relief and a minor villain.

Besides Sorbo, we also have Tia Carrere, fresh off High School High, playing our villain, a demonic empress Akishava brought back to life. See, Sorbo’s Kull, a barbarian from Atlantis, is made king of a country by the old king himself (who Kull had happened to mortally wound in battle) in order to spite his heirs. In the course of things, Kull turns out to be a very good king and even tries to abolish slavery (to give credit where credit’s due, the movie gives a reason for his arguably anachronistic anti-slavery stance other than that he’s a ‘good guy’: Kull used to be a slave himself) while falling in love with a slave and fortune-teller Zareta. Unfortunately, the two living heirs are none too happy about the old law of succession being ignored, so, after an initial assassination attempt fails, they decide to use a nuclear bomb to swat a fly and, with a deformed wizard’s help, revive Akishava, who ruled over the land alongside her demon race millennia ago until she was defeated by the god Volka (Vodka? Don’t mind if I do…).

Oh, where was I...? Oh yes, Kull marries Akishava, thanks to some hoodoo on her part, and on their wedding night she poisons him, causing him to enter a death-like state. Our antagonist may be a near-omnipotent demon, but she's still a woman, so rather than actually kill Kull she asks him to take her side as emperor. Naturally, Kull refuses and Akishava storms off, leaving Kull to die at the hands of...a bungling henchman. To no one's surprise, Kull escapes and sets off with several allies, including his true love Zareta, to find the Breath of Volka, a mysterious, legendary power which is the only thing that can defeat Akishava and so on and so on.

Along the way there are a number of cheesy effects, surprisingly few Odyssey-esque obstacles to overcome (probably thanks to the budget), and the most challenging foe they have to overcome on the quest is...well, Harvey Fierstein. Along the way you have some lackluster acting (even Tia, whom you'd think would enjoy playing a demonic sorceress, seems mildly bored) and dialogue that can't decide if it wants to sound like a "Thor" comic or a sitcom.

I have to admit, while Kull the Conqueror wears its flaws on its sleeve, it's rarely boring, but while it tries to imitate Raimi’s series, it fails to even try to recapture the lighthearted feel and the kinetic energy that made his endeavors a success in the first place. It's diverting, but it's not fun, and fails to even become amusing kitsch.

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