Left Behind: The Movie (2000)

Whoever thought, after running this site (off and on) for over a year now, there would be one species of B-movie I've left untouched until now: the religious b-movie…

The problems with dealing in such a film is that I leave myself open to accusations of looking at this movie from the wrong point of view, that I am judging the message as well as the messengers. Here's a little personal information: I do, in fact, believe in a higher power, but my understanding of God is so far removed from the Christian image (and, in fact, most widespread ideas of the Supreme Being I've seen) that in most worldviews I'd probably be seen as no better off spiritually than an athiest. Yet I think the point of movies like Left Behind isn't just to give bored ministers something to show to their youth groups (at least, I hope not), but to try to present Christianity in a certain light and appeal to infidels like me. Plus, I grew up in Lynchburg, which is, thanks of Jerry Falwell, one of the capitals (or, as my friend Jen would say with a sneer, breeding grounds) of fundamentalist American Christianity, so I think that gives me the right to tackle the subject matter head on with guns flaring.

Oh, and then there's the little fact that I run this website for free with virtually no editorial interference, so there.

The film opens with star reporter Buck Williams (Kirk Cameron, and we know he's a star reporter because we're told the fact over and over) covering an Israeli scientist's formula which allows crops to grow quickly, or well, or produce giant mutant vegetables along with giant mutant insects. The experiment is dubbed the "Eden project," thus setting the film's tone for subtlety already. The scientist hopes to one day end world hunger, even though he refuses to share his formula with any other government. Well, it makes as much sense as anything else in this movie.

Suddenly, as Buck and the scientist talk outside, a ridiculous number of badly depicted fighter jets appear overhead and attack. Kirk Cameron says, "Let's take cover!" with the same emotional intensity and sense of urgency as, "Let's go to the mall!" Not only are the numbers absurd, but we're supposed to believe, even though we see Buck and the scientist flee to a high-tech military base, that no one saw it coming until the jets made it well into Israel (and, for that matter, why the hell is Buck, a civilian and a foreigner to boot, allowed into such an apparently important military area? Oh, yeah, he's a star reporter!). Anyway, before the green blotches representing jets can do serious damage, they begin exploding "before we've fired a single missle" (showing that, not only is the Israeli military in this universe blind, but also slow). Of course, this is the work of the Almighty, so one of the Israeli officers in the background shouts out, "Well, it's about bloody time you helped us out, Yahweh! I guess you just went on and forgot about that whole chosen people thing, eh? Now it's just a case of too little too late…over 2500 bleedin' years too late!" To which a loud, booming voice replies, "Stop badgering me! There's more than one planet out there that I have to take care of, in case you haven't taken the time to notice or care!" Oh wait, that's would have happened if I wrote the script. As it is, everyone just stands around stupified, as Buck goes out and does a first-hand report of the attacks where he runs into the Mysterious Old Prophet. After receiving a cryptic message from the prophet (cryptic to anyone who has no idea what this movie's about, that is), Buck later gets another mysterious message from a nervous informant, who tips him off about some sort of global conspiracy and insists that he meets him later in New York.

Soon we meet our other protagonist, Ray Steele, who is so thoroughly unlikeable and immoral that he really might as well be wearing a billboard on his back that says, "I WILL SEE THE LIGHT AND, IF I WERE IN A SLASHER MOVIE, I'D BE AMONG THE FIRST TO DIE!" He does all the things the business-minded father in "family values" movies do-ignores his suffering wife, blows off his kids (a teenage daughter, adolescent son, and baby, of course), and actually goes in to work when his bosses ask him to come in out of schedule. He's also having an affair with a stewardess, Hattie Durham, whom we know will not see the light because a) she's a woman and cares about her career, b) towards the end of the film she rejects a gentler, kinder Ray (more on this in a bit) in favor of "following her own feelings," and c) she has the audacity to flirt with two different men!

By the sort of cosmic coincidence only God or a bad scriptwriter can engineer, Buck, on the way to meet his informant, and Hattie and Ray (who happens to have had a past fling of some kind together) all happen to be on the same flight. Also by this point, we're told that Korea standardized its currency with the European Union (North or South Korea? And why Korea of all places?) and this is a Bad Ominous Thing. At the same time, the U.N is painted with the same morally ambiguous touches as the Empire in Star Wars, so you just know where this ship is headed. Anyway, things go smoothly (except Ray and Hattie get into a little lovers' quarrel when Hattie brings up that she's getting a job at the U.N [what exactly the job is remains sketchy]) until, well, the Rapture happens. Conveniently, it happens while everyone on the plane is asleep, so everyone wakes to find all the children gone and some adults missing, all leaving behind only their clothing. Meanwhile, Ray's daughter, Chloe, on the way back from college, finds that a few cars have wrecked, with one muddled, injured man walking around mumbling, "The driver just wasn't there!" Then all hell breaks loose.

I have to admit, the chaos following the Rapture is well-envisioned. The scenes rush in quickly, throwing off the viewer while giving a strong feeling of the scope and impact of what happened. But seeing the pain, the confusion, the horror, and, yes, the death that results from the Rapture, seeing children ripped away from their parents and spouses vanishing from their loved ones, I'm personally much less inclined to believe that the God of this film's makers is truly a just and merciful one, much less the 'real deal.' In fact, it would seem that the idea here isn't at all to share promises of spiritual fulfillment and a relationship with the Creator, but to flat-out terrify people into conversion, but, yes, more on this later.

Oh, I forgot to mention, while all this is going on we discover that the Mysterious Organization the informant blabbed about (they also remain, you guessed it, sketchy, but from the constant references to bankers and money I'd say the World Trade Organization), led by two men in London, are setting up a certain "puppet" of theirs to head the U.N as they cackle and plot to get their hands on the "Eden project." This "puppet" happens to have the name Nicholae Carpathea (!) and have a "sinister" Eastern European accent (!!). That's right, the Antichrist here is just about as flamingly evil as a "Captain Planet" villain. Sam Neill's performance as Satan's favorite son in Omen III seems far more subdued in comparison. Oh, how I wish he were here. He'd know what to do...and how to act.

Nicholae explains away the Rapture at a press conference as the result of "accumulated radiation from nuclear testing." Huh? I actually had to rewind the tape to make sure I got that right. I'm shocked the film makers didn't go with the "possible alien abduction" angle, or something else that at least almost makes sense. What's even more amazing is that nobody, not even the good guys, says, "Oh, they're obviously lying!" I guess Darth Helmut from Spaceballs is right: "Now you see that Evil will always triumph, because Good is dumb." Anyway, Nicholae uses this as an excuse to press for worldwide nuclear disarmament, which the film presents as a Bad Thing. I guess when you already believe the Apocalypse is at hand, the idea of a nuclear holocaust just seems an inconvenience.

Ray comes home to find that his entire family except Chloe has vanished as well. Buck, who is desperately seeking a way to New York to meet his informant whom he suspects might know what happened, tags along with Ray, spending the night and eventually finding his ticket to New York with a private pilot. What follows is your standard investigation-hindered-by-an-evil conspiracy plot thread, which results in finding the informant dead, bad guys after a computer file, yadda yadda yadda that ends with the revelation that the Bad Guys are trying to create a monopoly on the world's food supply using the "Eden project." While this aspect of the film is competently (albeit unoriginaly…there's even a requisite car bomb!) handled and does manage to conjure up some feeling of suspense, it's all pretty much moot. Nicholae has "ANTICHRIST" tattooed to his forehead and we know that via the usual Armaggedon story that a global government is supposed to take over the world, so why treat what the audience has probably already figured out like a mystery? For padding, of course!

To distract us from this, there's the Miraculous Conversion of What's Left of the Steele Family. Gee, and it only took the vanishing of their entire family and society collapsing around them to do it? Almost immediately, Ray Steele goes from being the jerk to being the believer (we're even supposed to believe he read the whole Bible, from Genesis onwards, overnight…talk about speed reading!), as does his daughter. They soon take up residence at a local church with their old pastor, who has also been left behind. Now, it might have been interesting-even fascinating-to spend more time with a man who had devoted-or thought he devoted-his life to God only to find himself abandoned in the most literal sense, but, no, instead we had to see the Steeles getting frustrated, inexplicably picking up a Bible or watching this video left by a minister about the Rapture (which, I think, really exists), and then, one scene later, spout off Scripture as easily as they breathe.

Now what's left for our man Buck? Having just uncovered solid proof about the whole "controlling the world's food supply" thing and almost getting killed for it, Buck turns up at the Steeles' door bloody and desperate (wait, wasn't he just in New Yo-? Oh, screw it, I'm not going to keep track anymore), begging for aid. The Steeles and the ignored pastor take him in and show him the tape that helped convert the Steeles. Our man Buck is nonplussed though, and decides to go to the U.N to expose the conspiracy behind Nicholae with the help of Hattie, who's already started her job there. He succeeds, but he finds evidence (including a plan to construct a new Temple in Israel) corresponding to the prophecy mentioned by the Steeles. Worse, it turns out by exposing the two men behind Nicholae, he only played into the hands of the Antichrist, who kills the two men at gunpoint and uses his hoodoo to brainwash all present into thinking it was a murder-suicide. Making a quickie conversion in a restroom at the U.N, Buck flees the U.N and joins the Steeles and the ignored pastor at the church. The last image of the film is a last, lingering shot of the church...

DO YOU

GET

IT NOW?!?!

Unfortunately and unsurprisingly, Left Behind has all the subtlety, spiritual depth, and compassion of a Chick track. The release of the film into relatively mainstream circles might have been a chance to dispel the negative image of the fundamentalist Christian fanatic. It might have offered a view of Christianity that neither hammers itself through the audience's skull and not set up simple, black-and-white characters implausably glorifying the faith and everyone in it. Instead, it not only lives up to that image, it perpetuates it, by having a plot based on a questionable-at-best aspect of the Bible [on a side note, I find it funny that some Protestants criticize Catholics for the concept of Purgatory, which has just as much if not more of a justification in the Bible as the Rapture and the Tribulation] and by telling us that we should convert not for any spiritual reason or for our own betterment, but because God can and will whoop our ass and will win the cosmic game no matter what.

The flaws in this message can only be accented by the messenger's lame foot. Nearly every character here is flat and predictable, and those that appear to have the promise of some depth are just ignored. The actors don't help matters. Kirk Cameron seems to only have two acting modes, Concerned and Mildly Concerned. Brad Johnson as Ryan Steele is believeable neither as a jerk or a saint while Chloe Steele is a virtual non-entity. The action/intrigue scenes made to pepper the movie are fairly well directed, but so unoriginal and unengaging it doesn't really matter. Regardless of the "powerful message" Kirk Cameron claims is within the movie in his little 'special message' at the end of the film, this film is a product more pleasing to Jabootu than to Jehovah.

Cast Connections:

Janaya Stephens played "Peach" in an episode of the gloriously surreal sci-fi series Lexx.

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