Left Behind II (2002)

The problem with writing this review is that a lot of what I said about the first Left Behind is easily applicable here too: the shoddy, slapdash theology in a movie supposedly made to convert; the apparent cruelty of a God advertised as infinitely merciful; the lack of even the concept of moral ambiguity; and Kirk Cameron’s emotional minimalist style of acting. Luckily (?), Left Behind II: Tribulation Force does prove to be quite the 'effort' in of itself.

For one thing, while the first Left Behind was actually more of a sub-par disaster/political intrigue flick than an evangelical film, this time around (I guess because now that the Rapture has happened there really isn’t much else to do) the 'story-stopping sermons'-to coin my webmaster’s phrase-come at such a rapid pace you start to wonder if there is a story to stop in the first place. Not to mention that even the longest sermons are absurdly unconvincing, basically boiling down to “You’re human, therefore you’re imperfect, therefore Jesus saves!” Frankly one would think that the little thing about the near annihilation of civilization via the Rapture would be enough of a convert draw, but, hey…

Speaking of the near annihilation of civilization, this movie has to get last place in the post-apocalyptic category. Not only are there no leather-fetishist motorcycle gangs riding around or cannibalistic Amazonian societies (and don’t you expect to see them either, you heathen perverts!), but Left Behind II has to win a prize for the most half-assed, budgeted Apocalypse ever. Except for scenes showing that the U.N under the Antichrist is taking over (their cause ominously phrased as ‘World Unity’…oooooooh, that definitely reeks of ee-vil!) , there is little explanation about how the post-Rapture society functions, what has become of the world governments, or what effect this had on most people’s lives. What we do get is that we get hilariously overdone scenes showing scores of homeless people wandering aimlessly around barrels lit with fires near buildings that look well-maintained and well-groomed lawns that otherwise have colorful debris just randomly scattered around them. What’s really funny is that there is no rhyme or reason to when and where these unfortunate post-Rapture survivors will mull around listlessly…any time of day or night, as long as a character of the movie is outside, you’ll see them! At any rate, there goes the movie’s plan B down in flames: if Kirk Cameron’s passionate and well-worded sermons can’t save their souls, then surely an accurate and intense portrayal of the post-Rapture world will!

While Left Behind had a mediocre and predictable but serviceable plot that even did a decent job of covering the horror and anarchy that would follow an event like the Rapture (although, again, not to the benefit of the positive image of this movie’s God), Left Behind II’s low-budget post-apocalyptic world is dragged even further down by the story – or lack thereof – which is so dead even Jesus could not bring it to life. Not only do you have the sermons, but you have endless scenes with bit characters who serve no purpose and other long, tedious moments that serve to remind us that the Antichrist is supposed to be evil or something (instead they do a better job of establishing that, through his appearance and Generic Eastern European Accent, he’s a sinister incarnation of Balki from “Perfect Strangers”). All in all, there’s probably only about 20 minutes of actual plot development, as the ‘tribulation force’ (yes, they call themselves that) try to take advantage of two resurrected Old Testament prophets standing near the Wailing Wall (I can’t make this up) by showing a nationwide television broadcast with them that will hopefully covert thousands of people. More jarring than the tedious plot is the film’s idiotic black-and-white view of world, which is even more glaring than it was in the first film. Essentially, all Christians are infinitely patient, kind, compassionate people, while all non-Christians are greedy, bitchy, and belligerent…at least until they see the light.

In fact, beyond Christianity, all the characters are utterly interchangeable. Kirk Cameron’s Buck Williams – star TV reporter turned post-apocalyptic crusader – is especially devoid of any sign of personality, which is most unfortunate since the movie decides to throw in some ‘comic relief’ by featuring a love triangle sub-plot between fellow Tribulation Force-r Chloe and his assistant at work Eve. Now let me make sure you understand the implications of this: a romantic sub-plot in a movie made by and for far-right Christians. Really, there are few worse things I can think of than seeing a romance plot written by and acted out with people who believe that even the slightest expression of sexual tension or desire is tantamount to putting on a hardcore sex scene. To say the whole thing is as spicy as a rice-cake is an understatement.

Of course, this also is just filling for the 70 or so minutes that come between actual plot events. Things do actually progress at the end, but...well, let me just say that part of the movie's 'climax' involves two fire-breathing Old Testament prophets (yes, you read that correctly) who torch a couple of soldiers. True, the soldiers do threaten our heroes, but seeing them barbequed needlessly by God's premier representatives once again make you wonder why anyone would really want to follow the God of this film (besides, you know, the whole Rapture thing). Whether or not you'll find setting through this worth seeing two killer Jewish prophets, though, is up to you...