Masters of the Universe (1987)

Your run-of-the-mill megalomaniac Skeletor has finally achieved his lifelong goal of conquering Castle Greyskull using a cosmic key invented by a naive dwarf (or Warwick Davis really left out to seed after Willow, I couldn't tell which) and thus obtaining the power to rule the multiverse (or something to that extent). Unfortunately, Skeletor's arch-nemesis He-Man and his ragtag band of allies have found Gwildor, complete with another working cosmic key, but an accident, rather than landing them in Greyskull, has put them in the hell that is Suburbia and the cosmic key in the hands of two teenagers. And now, God help us, the fate of the multiverse is in the hands of two 80s teens, one of whom is Courtney Cox....

Comments

I am a child of the 80s, and as such I've grown up with various toy commercials disguised as TV shows, including "Transformers," "G.I Joe," and, of course, "He-Man." Not that there's anything wrong with this fact, of course; I could have grown up with a fad as lame as "Pokemon." Let's be honest, which is cooler? A 200-ton robot who can turn into a tank, or some annoying little half-rabbit half-squirrel who can fart lightning?

I thought so.

.

Here, He-Man, deprived of that cool green tiger, his dual identity, and apparently his status as Prince of Eternia, is played by Dolph Lundgren, which probably explains why far more attention is spent on Dolph's waxed chest than his dialogue or character. In fact, for the point of this whole movie, He-Man doesn't seem to be around a lot. The focus instead seems to be on your average white teenaged couple, the female of which is played by Courtney Cox. Of course, they prove a pretty dull focus for the film. They're too cliched, one-dimensional, and, well, Hollywood-esque to even begin to care about. Even worse, they're too obnoxious to like, but not obnoxious enough to get worked up over. Further Courtney's habit of glancing toward the camera during certain scenes is just a bit distracting.

The rest of our good guys include Teela and Duncan, played by Chelsea Fields and Jon Cypher respectively. Both seem to be in full Only There For The Paycheck mode, delivering their lines with a flatness only a high school production of "Midsummer Night's Dream" can appreciate. But what's even more painful is the forced laughter they belt out when confronted with the supposedly comedic antics of Billy Barton as Gwildor. Lacking the special effects budget to do a cinematic version of Orko, the original series' source of comic relief, the film instead gives us that bane of all fantasy cinema, the "humorous" dwarf/hobbit/gnome thing.

But what about the bad guys? Despite the poor makeup, the even poorer script, and the...er, "homages" to Darth Vader and Emperor Palatine simultaneously, Frank Legella still salvages something out of the material, all things considered. But kudos go to Meg Foster as Skeletor's female sidekick Evil-Lyn. Despite a ridiculous costum, Foster still keeps her head held high, and even injects a little life into her character; a glint of gold in a mountain of coal. Still, it's not enough to make climbing the mountain worth the effort. Not even the joy of watching Courtney Cox in a bizarre early role is worth that.

Cast Connections

Tony Carroll (The Beastman) was also in Hercules in New York.
Pons Marr (Saurod) was Theodore Rex in the very, very lamentable Whoopi Goldberg vehicle-to-hell Theodore Rex.

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