3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998)

To tell the truth, even though I just had to review a movie that had Jim Varney, Loni Anderson, and Hulk Hogan at the same time, I felt a bit worried about tackling a movie like this. Recently I had written a script for a children's comic and so I learned from experience just how difficult it is to write something for kids and make it appealing to an adult audience as well. Who am I, being a person who recently tried (and possibly failed) to create suitable children's entertainment, to judge and tear apart the work of someone trying to accomplish the same thing with the same inherent challenges? But then I noticed that the film co-writer and director is Sean McKenna, who produced "Kids Incorporated," which made me want to claw my eyes out even when I was much younger and which had such a horrific theme song that I'm still haunted by it in my darkest nightmares. So now I consider this review payback, Mr. McKenna, for years of untold suffering.

Having not been blessed by experiencing the other 3 Ninjas films, I don't know exactly what the set-up is, but fortunately the title characters, who happen to be brothers, are easily defineable: there's the Leader, Rocky; the Maverick, Cole (he has a ponytail and totes around a guitar, so I just guess he's supposed to be the Maverick, but really throughout the movie he exhibits just a little less of a personality than a belt buckle); and...believe me, I wish I was exaggerating...a chilling combination of the Odious Comic Relief and the Cute Kid, Tum Tum, whose only defining traits seem to be that he's a glutton and ten years old with blonde curly hair. Even though he should be on the brink of diabetes, we're led to believe that he's effective in fighting men five times his size. Honestly, I think his brothers just keep him around to serve as a human shield when they finally face adversaries smart enough to use guns against them, but sadly this never becomes a plot issue.

At the beginning, we're introduced to 'Grandpa,' who has been training the brothers for a few years now every summer. Grandpa is played by Victor Wong, probably best known as Chen Pao Shen in The Last Emperor, Professor Howard in Prince of Darkness, and Egg Shen in Big Trouble in Little China. After already appearing in all the 3 Ninjas prequels (this, to date, has been the last), this would be his last role. By the time this was filmed, he had already suffered two strokes and, sadly, it shows on camera, giving a somewhat creepy edge to the movie's barely touched subplot about Grandpa's anxieties of becoming outdated in his grandsons' eyes.

Udoubtedly because of his illness, Victor Wong is given a smaller role than what I suspect he had in the prequels, so small his only big part in the film is giving the requisite training scene. During this training, Grandpa notices how arrogant the kids have gotten, to which he replies, "You think you're master of your domain!" (agh, a misplaced Seinfeld reference...now it's really personal, 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain!) and makes things hard on them by turning off the lights, which, of course, won't have anything to do with a climactic situation the kids will find themselves in later on. Not at all. There's also some alleged character development as Rocky contemplates giving up ninja training for a summer job and Tom Tom tries his best to annoy him back into place. Don't fear, though, because not only is this storyline never given a satisfactory conclusion, but it gets only about ten minutes of screentime.

After our protagonists have a heart-to-heart and I screech some choice obscenities at Tum Tum whenever he opens up his obnoxious maw, the boys are returned home by Grandpa (whom we won't see again until the very last scene) and are greeted by their parents, a father who is a FBI agent and a mother who's either an archtypical housewife or a drug addict. It's really hard to tell which, you know, especially with such a bizarre character and the even more bizarre performance. Honestly, the character is so sickeningly syrupy that you expect her at any moment to break out of the unreal facade and scream, "NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!"

Tum Tum starts watching a TV show starring Hulk Hogan (well, he's not the 'real' Hulk Hogan in the movie, but for the hell of it I'll just refer to him as such) called 'Star Force 5,' which practically screams The Scriptwriter One Day Saw His Kids Watching Power Rangers One Morning (while Hogan wears a constume that more resembles something off of "He-Man," he has these five sidekicks or something that have costumes that are almost identical to those of the "Power Rangers,"). The episode, from what we see of it, seems to entirely consist of Hogan running around a suburban neighborhood and beating up random thugs who chase around small children (insert your own Michael Jackson or Catholic priest joke). Almost as thrilling as this movie, actually. After all that "excitement" is concluded, Hogan has a one-way chat with his audience and says that the show is being cancelled because "most kids don't believe in heroes anymore" (um...yeah). Tum Tum gets upset because this means he won't get to watch his favorite show anymore. I get upset because I realize with dawning horror that Hulk Hogan is going to clock in an even worse performance than what he did in Suburban Commando and Mr. Nanny. Mom tries to cheer Tum Tum up by giving a sandwich 'hilariously' thick with artery-clogging ingredients, but he turns it down, thus spoiling for the time being her plan to send her most irritating son to an early grave.

Next we're introduced to the girl who will inevitably become the female sidekick, Amanda. To the film's credit, there isn't really a scene where one of the protagonists gives a speech on how their mission or whatever is too dangerous for girls, but there's no need in the first place, since Amanda does little more than provide back-up throughout the movie. Oh, and she does get kidnapped at one point...by Loni Anderson, a fate that might frighten many children who watch this (especially when Anderson entertains the notion of making Amanda her 'slave'). Amanda's father is apparently a special effects guru for a film studio (although we never really learn that much about it) and for some reason Amanda not only works with him, but she gets to keep the items for herself, including a yo-yo with knives attached that can apparently cut through steel. I should add that Amanda is also a somewhat emotionally stunted, archetypical nerd character. Hmm, an isolated pre-adult armed with weapons of death? Talk about an adolescent wish-fulfillment fantasy.

We're also introduced to the film's central villains, Loni Anderson, who sports a leather outfit, a whip, and the name 'Medusa,' and Jim Varney, who seems to be channelling Ian McKellen, especially in Richard III mode. Maybe it's the black and grey constume, maybe it's the haggard expression Jim Varney sports through out the movie, but I was definitely catching a McKellen vibe, a very off-putting thing when you're dealing with Jim Varney of all people. Unfortunately, this would also be one of Jim Varney's last roles (third to last, I think, not counting a number of animated features to which he gave his voice) something else that gives this movie more significance than it deserves.

Loni Anderson and her right-hand man Varney are putting into effect their plan to seize control of a popular amusement park, Mega Mountain, and it just so happens that Mom guilts Rocky and Cole into taking Tum Tum down to Mega Mountain to see Hulk Hogan making his last public appearance. Amanda decides to tag along with the people she just met that morning, as you do. About the same time we're treated to a boring montage of the characters doing fun things-in other words, things other than watching this movie-at Mega Mountain, we see Loni Anderson and her goons (that was a fun sentence fragment to type) kidnapping various employers and replacing them with her goons, a development that no one notices. Also the one black man in Loni's employ wears a beanie, has dredlocks, and speaks with a Jamaican accent. Oy. I'm suprised they didn't throw in a flaming gay guy from San Francisco wearing a "Designing Women" t-shirt and hot pink jeans to round things out.

When Loni hijacks the base's command center, she communicates with the park's owner, Mr. Jacobson, via computer. In what is one of the film's very few endearing moments, Jacobson, upon viewing Anderon's heavily make-uped, withered face, mutters, "What in God's name are you?" Not taken aback by this reaction (which was so outlandishly acted out that it's hard to think that they just can't be making fun of Loni Anderson's appearance), Loni explains her demands: Jacobson must give her millions of dollars or she will cause a fatal accident on one of the rides, which in turn will result in Jacobson getting tons of lawsuits. Exactly why this would happen if it becomes obvious that terrorists or supervillains or whatever these people are maliciously caused the 'accident' isn't really clear, but then again, this movie was made in the late 90s, just after the height of the 'sue everyone' era in the United States, so maybe it's not that implausible.

Speaking of implausible, it's around here that the 'action' part of the movie heats up. To give this movie a break, the fight scenes, cartoonish as they can be, really aren't that bad. They're not terribly engaging, probably even to the movie's target audience, but they're not poorly done, except in the case of Tum Tum. You might be able to get away with having adolescents defeat grown men in hand-to-hand combat, especially in a movie that's virtually a fantasy film, but showing a pudgy ten-year old kicking the crap of anyone in his path is really pushing it. Anyway, Cole and Tum Tum stumble across Varney tranquilizing Hulk Hogan and kidnapping him. Why? There isn't a reason provided by the script, although I'd guess he's as fed up with Hogan's 'acting' as the rest of us. The three ninjas join together and beat up the bad guys in a 'komedy-rich' sequence which, unfortunately, means that they're able to rescue and revive Hulk Hogan, who orders them to stay behind and goes after Varney, only to end up captured by the bad guys. Suprisingly, the boys actually obey the request but, with Amanda's help, summon the FBI, who in turn contact Loni Anderson via...I don't know, I guess the Internet. Now I'm convinced there has to be some kind of a joke, because as soon as Loni's face appears on the FBI's little laptop, one of the agents present says, with a voice thick with disgust, "Oh God!" Stupidly the kids stand around to let Anderson catch them on film through a security camera and Varney eventually unleashes the ultimate weapon of all villains in these types of films: the Bungling Henchmen.

That's your set-up. From here on, there's more fight scenes, including one with generic ninjas that seemingly pop out of nowhere; Loni Anderson using a leather whip on Hulk Hogan (just to trip him, tragically); and Amanda proving that she has had a helping hand from the God of Plot Convenience (well, to be fair, it turns out that her way too convenient plan doesn't work, but what they do instead is even sillier). Oh, and there's another moronic, misplaced "Seinfeld" reference, where Hulk Hogan bellows, "Ninja soup coming up!" and Loni responds, "No soup for you!" Whether or not the scriptwriter actually thought that the pre-teen audience would pick up on the references or not, I don't know, but all it did for me was make me wish I was watching "Seinfeld" instead.

But, in the end, it doesn't really matter what I think since I'm about eight years past the target age group for this film. I can at least gaurantee you that it's not a real "all-ages" kind of film. The humor pretty much consists of jokes about bodily functions even a twelve-year old fan of the Complete Works of Adam Sandler would find predictable and trite while the story itself manages to be both too slow and too silly even for an adolescent fantasy, which I guess is inevitable when you have a shirtless Hulk Hogan and a leather-clad Loni Anderson running around.

None of this would have actually been bad had this movie's trinity of cultish figures actually had fun with the material, but it's apparent that they didn't, to say the least. Hulk Hogan spends most of the movie in a daze and Jim Varney, even in full ham mode, can't make anything out of the material he's given. The worst offender, though, is Loni Anderson, who might have at least taken advantage of her extremely campy role, but instead she puts an absolutely negative amount of zeal into it. All in all, this movie is a boring, half-hearted effort I doubt kids would enjoy and that fails to provide any choice moments for those expecting a trashy, cult gem. For your "celebrities and b-list celebrities humiliating themselves" needs, I suggest you instead check out The Star Wars Holiday Special. At least that's shorter.