Vice Academy (1988)

Two standard 80's bimbos, Didi and Shawnee, are trying desperately to graduate from the 'vice academy,' a school for vice cops that inexplicably has a student body that is 99.99% attractive, skimpily clothed females (the other .01% is Dwayne, the perpetually horny guy that appears in every 80's sex comedy). Unfortunately, they always seem to be outdone by fellow student Holly, your rich bitch du jour. Inspired by the "painful" life story of an ex-porn star named 'Cherry Pop' (I can't make this up), the dynamic duo decide to bust up a local porn ring...

This movie's existence is convincing proof that there is no benevolent, interventionist God. I wish I could just leave it at that, but, since this is a site dedicated to the worship of crap and since this is very possibly the crappiest movie I've ever seen, I have to justify my claim (and, while I'm not as battle-scarred as my host Nathan or the other folks of the B-Masters Cabal I still think that's saying a lot). For this reason, I think this movie deserves special attention. Normally I don't go too far in depth with the movies I review, but for Vice Academy I'll make an exception.

Vice Academy is the proud work of Richard Sloan, who's probably best known for Hobgoblins, a blatant Gremlins rip-off that's also one of my favorite targets of "Mystery Science Theatre 3000." For his acting crew, it seems that Richard Sloan had drawn from the ranks of porn-dom, which is incredibly ironic given the film's half-hearted attempts to say, "The porn industry can be, like, sooo nasty!" This fact should already indicate the quality of acting in this flick, but maybe if the movie was a better comedy then the acting wouldn't have caused such unrelenting agony. But, sadly, it's not a good comedy. Hell, even Gladiator Eroticus is consistently funnier.

The movie kicks off with two drug dealers in a car discussing their business. We can easily tell that they're on the wrong side of the law, despite the fact that they use slang that makes even Oscar the Grouch look like a street-hardened badass. Their discussion is interrupted by a reject from a Bon Jovi video who later turns out to be Holly. After getting the dealers to offer her some crack, Holly busts them with some help from her 'Daddy' who happens to be a cop (and setting the movie's precedent that, despite the fact this is a movie with female cops as the protagonists, a man's help is at all times needed to take down the bad guys.)

The day after, we meet our busty heroines, who are assaulted by both Holly's bragging about last night's bust and the unhipness of their Belulah Balbricker-esque teacher, Mrs. Devonshire, who looks like at some point in her life she was Mr. Devonshire. The audience is then...er, 'privelaged' enough to see what an average day at the Vice Academy is like. This leads to one of the few genuinely funny moments in the film, where, during a self-defense demonstration, the Vice Academy's only male student Dwayne is kicked in the balls by everyone in the class, and with each kick a different sound effect plays. This was very cathartic for myself and the friends who watched it with me, since we could easily imagine that it was us and all the other poor souls who watched this flick who were doing the same to Richard Sloane.

Soon after that, the class goes outside for some target practice. Here we have a patented Embarrasingly Low Budget moment, as we can see a busy highway in the background! Shawnee takes her turn at the gun and, as you might expect, she fails to hit the target. With each misfired shot, a "hilarious" sound effect is heard, from a screaming man to a squawking bird. (By the way, I think it was by this point my friend Nick, who has forsworn alcohol, groaned, "I really wish I was drunk right now...") Here we also experience one of quite a few scenes where a gag with just a small spark of entertainment value is introduced, and then is slowly beaten to death before the audience's horrified eyes and ears.

The hilarity doesn't quite stop there though. When Didi, Shawnee, and Holly get together to dress up as prostitutes for that night's patrol, they put a huge sign on Holly's back, reading "VICE COP" (and they put it there in a way that only someone who was blind and paralyzed from the neck down wouldn't notice.) Later we see Holly on the street with the still unnoticed sign on her back. How the hell could she not see it? The damn thing was about the size of a billboard. Agh, must...not...apply...logic to bad comedy. It's after this, though, that we finally see the most hilarious scene in the film...most unintentionally hilarious scene in the film, anyway. Shawnee and Didi, in their full vintage 80's glory, parade down the street, giggling nervously and making awkward movements that might be considered dance moves...if any music was playing. This goes on for, oh, about ten minutes, but it proved more diverting than whenever the movie actually tried to be entertaining.

This stunning cinematic moment of sisterhood is interrupted, unfortunately, by a "let's make this a message film" moment. Didi and Shawnee come upon a sobbing underage porn star named Cherry Pop (if she's been so traumatized by the porn industry, then why does she introduce herself by her 'porn name' and not...oh, never mind) . Inspired by Cherry Pop's story, the dynamic duo decide to bust up a porno ring for what I guess would be the Vice Academy's version of the senior thesis. The next day, Mrs. Devonshire takes the girls to her office-which, in its unglamorous, un-Hollywood days-serves as a driver's education room (you even have various road signs posted all over the wall.) Devonshire, who conveniently keeps the materials needed to fake an identity as a porn star in her desk (says a lot about her night life), hands the girls a fake resume and some other porn periphenilia.

The next day, the girls and Dwayne nervously plan their infiltration in a van, inconspiciously parked in the middle of an empty street. Didi volunteers to do the dirty work, while Shawnee and Dwayne wait in the van for an oppurtunity to make the arrest. To start with, Didi is interviewed for the job. She hasn't even read her doctored resume. You can probably guess what happens. That's right: "I'll do anything except animals." "Really? That's funny, it says right here..." It goes on like this, and on, and on until your brain goes numb. Finally, Didi's approved, and she's immediately whisked away to the set (I have the feeling this is how this flick was put together) where she meets the director, a woman who looks like David Bowie in drag, and her co-star, the famed porn actor, Chucky Long. The filming of the porn movie is actually pretty funny, if only for the fact that Chucky and Didi get it going on during the filming with their clothes on. No wonder David Bowie stuck to music.

Meanwhile, Dwaye and Shawnee blast music that makes even what you remember of 80's rock look radiant. Wow, their negligence of their job is putting their partner in possibly fatal danger! Oh the hilarity! Of course, the worst thing that happens to Didi because of her partners' imcompetence is that she gets laid (at least, we think she does). When Dwayne and Shawnee finally pop out of their hair band induced stupor, they bust in on the set. In the chaos, Didi slips away with Chucky to a basement area, chains him to a radiator, and starts to have her way with him. She also happens to actually take her top off, while we don't get to see if Didi takes it all off or if Chucky himself is stripped down. This whole scene was strongly reminiscent of the sex scene in Black Scorpion, only Chucky doesn't get branded at the end.

As you might expect, the arrest of the porn movie crew is overturned. Why? Because Didi screwed Chucky. Wow, who knew you had to tale your clothes off for sex? This knowledge willl certainly improve my lifestyle. Shawnee, Didi, and Dwayne need at least ten arrests in order to graduate. What will they do? Why, go out in their trusty inconspicious van and round up hookers and johns! Chillingly, this is where the movie hits rock-bottom. We're featured to countless scenes where our heroic trio effortlessly trick and round up prostitutes, who are promptly rounded up into the van. After about five hours of this (that's what it felt like to me anyway), our trio drive up to a laundromat that they think might be the front of a prostitution ring. At this, one of the prostitutes exclaims, "Oh no, they found it!" Just goes to show that they just don't make hookers like they used to. Inside the girls pose as hookers to arrest the johns. Only one shows up, an overgrown boy scout who's promptly arrested and disappears from the film. It's a damn shame, since despite the five or so minutes he was on, he was by far the most likeable character in this movie. In the credits, he's only known as "Laundromat John." Farewell Laundromat John, we'll miss you.

The hookers finally realize that they just might have an advantage here and overpower and capture our trio. After a brief hooker conference, the ladies decide to take the rookies to their big boss, the Queen Bee. It's around here that my poor beseiged brain began to block out large chunks of the movie, so bear with me. Yadda yadda yadda a woman with a huge bouffant and a dildo sticking off her ass (it's supposed to be a stinger, supposedly) blah blah blah escape scene yadda boobs yadda yadda Chucky who was previously still chained to the radiator shows up yadda yadda more boobs (flashed to make a guy drop a gun). The tables are turned against the Queen Bee and her cronies, and they end up running down her 'maze.' This is filmed by showing them running back and forth down the same corridor again and again and again for about fiftreen minutes. By here I completely blacked out from the pain. All I got out of it was that somehow they all ended up being led outside (to a bright sunny day, never mind the fact that not long ago it was night! Oh my head...), into the van and being locked inside...without handcuffs. Our heroes realize that they have only minutes until graduation and rush off in the van with the hookers in tow. Amazingly, even though the Queen Bee and her cohorts aren't handcuffed at all, they don't think to even try to overpower their captors, which worked for the crowd of hookers earlier who were handcuffed. Ah well, I don't care what happens now, just so long as it means this damn movie's over. Oh...no, they had to do the graduation scene.

The graduation scene, which happens to have been filmed in a public park and without any extras playing friends or family, just serves as an excuse for more softcore nudity (a girl inexplicably has her graduation robes ripped off, revealing nothing but langerie underneath), some...er, "plot" resolutions, the requisite catfight, and Mrs. Devonshire getting hers according to the Laws of the 80's Sex Comedy. There's more, like the stuff about the cop character and the heroes getting to graduate as valedictorians and Cherry Pop's disturbing reappearance, but I've nearly reduced myself to tears. I still have nightmares about this movie, where I wake up screaming and crying and clawing at the air. I had to go to therapy after I discovered the horrifying fact that this film has five sequels. Please, it's too late for me, but it's not too late for you. Do not see this movie. Tapes of it may contain anthrax and renting or buying a copy supports terrorism. Even if you actually do like 80's sex comedy, do not see this. It's too much of a risk.


Choice Quotes:

"I'm a horny stud. Let me in."

-Chucky and Didi, while...er, acting.