Zardoz (1972)

Originally I had meant to review the David Hasselhoff 'klassic' Starcrash for my first Month of Pain, but then my friend Lauren coaxed me into watching Zardoz, even before I had fully recovered from the 'experience' of watching John Boorman's other masterpiece Exorcist II. Unsurprisingly to those of you who have shared the Zardoz experience, I found I had more to say about this work of art...

And what a work it is! Because this is a message film, little things like an engaging plot and consistent characterization fall by the wayside. Unsubtle imagery assaulting the viewer with messages about mankind's place in Nature, the life-death cycle, the true purpose of civilization and yadda yadda yadda is the order of the day here. You know you're in for life-altering lessons about life and death when, after a helpful and fourth-wall busting prologue given by the floating head (complete with a drawn on beard...really) of Arthur Frayn, you see a giant floating stone head, our Zardoz, spouting messages to a bunch of crazed gun-wielding men, who we later learn are called the Brutals. Among these messages is "THE PENIS IS BAD, THE GUN IS GOOD" which is accompanied by Zardoz spitting out guns by the truckload. Then we see a gun-wielding, half-naked Sean Connery (!) who points his gun at the camera and fires. See that? It's a pretty good indication of what the movie's about to do to you.

The Brutals exist in a society, if it can be called that, deprived of any art or literature. As the cities and libraries decay, the Brutals ride around, either gunning down innocent people or forcing them to work to the death for them. Because this is an allegorical film and all, it's never really made clear what happened to civilization. I'd say it seems like this movie takes place after eight full years of the Bush administration. In fact, to make this movie more relevant to you, let me call them 'Republicans' instead of Brutals.

Anyway, Sean Connery sneaks aboard Zardoz and seemingly kills its operator, Arthur Frayn (hey, the same guy who gave the prologue! How...clever!) and winds up beyond something called the Vortex and inside the land of a people calling themselves the Eternals. These Eternals, having discovered the secret to eternal life, hoped to be able to at last utilize the full potential of the human intellect. Instead, they basically sit around, conforming themselves to a dull existence filled with bland routine and endless, pointless debate, detached from the world and the rest of humanity, unable and unwilling to challenge the status quo and accomplish anything truly benefiting the human race...in other words, it's a civilization composed entirely of Democrats.

Because this is a John Boorman movie, it takes some long pointless shots of Sean wandering around and looking at things before this information and more is revealed. As I said, immortality for the Democrats is a dull, dreary existence, especially when your society is as goofy and one-dimensional as the one depicted in this movie. To be fair, there are some interesting aspects to the Democrats' existence. The idea that they punish wrongdoers by naturally aging them is interesting, as is the suggestion that an immortal race would set up a ridiculously complex law code just to have something to do. There's also the Renegades, people who apparently violently reject both immortality and sharing a telepathic link with their brethren (which seems to be a requisite), and so are allowed to become senile and then made to spend their days in a giant ballroom that serves as the Democrats' retirement home. Unfortunately, they-nor any other Democrat-cannot die, because the self-aware computer that sustains their immortal existence, the Tabernacle, is kept secret and no one really remembers the key to destroying. Boorman, as the obvious pun off his name suggests, is quick to stamp out any actual interest one can gain in the concept of these people and their world. For instance, it seems that the Democrats try to establish and maintain telepathic contact by reaching out their hands and wiggling their fingers at each other. That kind of thing just kills any serious awe one might try to raise at Boorman's message.

Anyway, the Democrats are as amused at the half-naked, gun-wielding Sean Connery as the audience and so keep him around as part slave and part science experiment. Oh, and they also want to find out what happened to Arthur Frayn, whose job it was to monitor the Republicans, by telepathically probing him, but no one seems all that concerned about what happened to the dude who flies around in a giant stone head and draws beards on his face with a permenant marker. I wouldn't be either. They're more worried about how a Republican got into Zardoz in the first place, although no one stops to think that he most likely just snuck aboard.

Actually, there is a very good reason how Sean Connery got the bright idea to sneak into Zardoz...if, by good, you might mean 'stupid and nonsensical.' The Democrat scientists discover that Sean Connery is the ultimate step in human evolution (!!), created through selective breeding by Arthur Frayn who apparently was able to do all this by himself and without alerting his peers who are supposed to share a psychic rapport with him and possess obsessively legislative habits. If that wasn't enough to make you look cross-eyed at the screen, we discover that Arthur Frayn taught Sean how to read by luring him into a library and showing him one of those elementary school primers. After that, we're told he was just able to read every book in the library (and, yes, Sean's narrative does say every book) including...(and keep in mind this is supposed to be The Rosebud of this movie)..."the Wizard of Oz."

Do you get it? Wizard of Oz. Wizard of Oz. Let me pause as you remain shocked. Or laughing.

Somehow being able to read, figure this all out, and sneak into a giant floating head also means Sean has the power to overcome the Democrats' telepathy and destroy the Tabernacle. Exactly how breeding the "next step of human evolution" or whatever through x number of generations was easier for a centuries-old being than figuring out how to destroy the Tabernacle his own damn self is beyond me, but there you go. What happens next wasn't very clear to me, but I think the overpowering aura of Sean Connery's unbridled masculinity disrupted the delicate balance of the Democrats' foo-foo sissy society. Well, something like that. Whatever the reason, all hell breaks lose and the scientist Consuella leads a band of rioters to hunt down and kill Sean but they end up mindlessly smashing things up in a display that looks like a bad music video. It seems here that Boorman is trying to make a point about how fragile civilization is, but really I think it's all just an excuse to show people, including a few topless women, running around and mindlessly breaking stuff. Consuella has Sean cornered, but then abruptly declares that she loves him. O-kayy...

Oh, and before I forget, at some point, in what was for me the culmination of this film, the Renegades dress Sean up in a wedding dress, complete with a bridal veil apparently just for the hell of it. This alone almost makes Zardoz worth sitting through. Almost.

Before Sean can go off and fulfill his destiny by destroying the Tabernacle, he must absorb all human knowledge from the Democrat scientists. Yes, really. But the only way to do this is by teaching him 'through osmosis,' which involves-and I really wish I could just make this stuff up-the scientists (all female, conveniently) caressing him and frolicking around, while washed over with weird lights and the sounds of symphonies. Here we just might have a disturbing glimpse at what Boorman considers pornography.

We don't have long to recover from that before we have the showdown with the Tabernacle which, through the most incoherent pseudo-science this side of a "Star Trek" episode, happens to be a crystal. Somehow Sean manages to get sucked inside the crystal where the audience gets to thrill as they watch Sean run arounda House of Mirrors-esque place, shouting out "TABERNACLE!" as he runs away from random Lynchian imagery (ha, well, Boorman only wishes it was that interesting). This gave me painful flashbacks to Exorcist II, where ten minutes were spent between Richard Burton and Linda Blair mumbling "PAZUZU." About ten minutes, give or take five, occurs before Sean finally shoots out one mirror which breaks the Tabernacle, thus freeing the Democrats from the horrors of eternal life. Yippie.
p>Before we can be freed from the horrors of this movie, we have the tragic ultimate fate of the Democrats, who are all gunned down in the Republicans, which they embrace because, you know, they only want to die. At least, it would appear tragic if some of them didn't fall down before they were "shot." In the chaos, Sean and Consuella, who is pregnant, escape and live in a cave where they become the new Adam and Eve and, through their son, civilization is reborn and yadda yadda yadda. The end, thank Zardoz.

The entire film was shot in Ireland, so, even in the grim world of the Republicans, the backgrounds are beautiful and many of the set designs are equally nice to look at. But despite a couple of what could be interesting ideas, the whole production just comes across as a two-hour long Monty Python skit but you can't get the joke. Long, drawn-out shots and seemingly random scenes keep the audience from getting entertained, while blatant cheesecake moments and goofy displays such as when the Democrats all get together to wiggle their fingers at each other keep the movie from being accepted as serious sci-fi. Exactly like Exoricst II, Zardoz is so desperate to escape from being a 'mere genre film' it throws its messages out in a manner that just leaves viewers laughing or dozing.




Drinking Game Suggestions:

-1 shot for every pretentious excuse to show nudity that Boorman comes up with.
-1 shot for every silly bit of pseudo-science or bizarre New Age-esque philosophy that comes up.